How ESPN employs someone like Mel Kiper to yell all day (you have a microphone) about who will be picked is beyond me. The better question is: "why does anyone care about any mock draft?" Chances are every single team will wind up with someone completely different.
With that said, here is my official 2010 NFL Mock Mock Draft:
1. St. Louis Rams – Urban Meyer, coach, Univ. of Florida
The Rams have A LOT of needs, but none more pressing than anyone who knows what they’re doing. They will be disappointed when they learn that despite his apparent love affair with Tim Tebow, they are not actually attached at the hip. Plus, Rush Limbaugh will only allow the Rams to draft someone white.
2. Kansas City Chiefs – Clay Aiken, Tight End
The Chiefs have a pressing need along the offensive line, and NO ONE will be more willing to put his hands on defensive linemen than Clay Aiken.
3. Washington Redskins – Alex Ovechkin, Captain
The Redskins are in disarray. They have one of the biggest salaries in football but are not producing on the field. They feel Ovechkin can provide some leadership to a team that is sorely lacking it. They also like the fact that he already knows how to play on a team with sub-par athletes and make them mediocre.
4. Oakland Raiders – Jake Locker, Quarterback, Univ. of Washington
I realize the Raiders drafted JaMarcus Russell a couple years ago, but they REALLY believe they can win if only they had a big QB with a strong arm and athleticism.
5. Detroit Lions – Arrelious Benn, Wide Receiver, Univ. of Illinois
I just get this feeling that what the Lions lack is a game-breaking WR. They should’ve thought of that in their previous drafts!
6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tim Tebow, virgin, Univ. of Florida
The Tampa Bay Bucs saw that the Jaguars really want Tebow, and think he would generate ticket sales. They will decide to undercut the Jaguars in hopes of becoming the only NFL team in Florida.
This just in…ESPN announces multi-million dollar deal with Tampa to televise all their future games in exchange for exclusive footage of their shower room after practices.
7. Cleveland Browns – LeBron James, “Small” Forward, Cleveland Cavs
In another attempt to keep LeBron in Cleveland, the Browns will draft him and trade his rights to the Cavs in the event he decides to leave.
8. Seattle Seahawks – who cares?, question, English language
I sure don’t.
9. Cincinnati Bengals – LeGarrette Blount, Heavyweight Champ, Univ. of Oregon
In keeping with tradition, the Bengals need to draft someone with a criminal record. Also, Bengal fans will think twice about booing if they’re afraid he might come into the crowd.
Momma said knock you out!
10. Buffalo Bills – Terrance Cody, Left and Right Guard, Univ. of Alabama
It’s REALLY cold in Buffalo! Anyone with as much body fat as Cody will have no problem whatsoever. He’ll play sleeveless and need to be hooked up to IV’s at halftime for heat exhaustion.
11. Jacksonville Jaguars – Tim Tebow
Yes, I realize the Bucs already picked Tebow, but the Jaguars made their minds up months ago and didn’t scout anyone else.
This just in…ESPN is really confused…
12. San Diego Chargers – LaDanian Tomlinson, RB, San Diego Chargers
The Chargers are hoping that drafting him again will make him younger.
13. Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre, retired, AARP
BABY COME BACK!
14. Philadelphia Eagles – Donte Stallworth, drunk driver, AA meetings
The Eagles had marginal success with athletes who have been suspended for murdering people/animals.
15. San Francisco 49ers – Marty McFly, time-traveler
The hope here is that McFly brings his DeLorean with him so the 49ers can travel back to the time they were relevant. (Which just so happens to be around the time this movie was made.)
16. Miami Dolphins – Cody Paul, 9-yr old Pop Warner star
This kid will be CRAZY SICK in the Wildcat formation.
CP5
17. Houston Texans – trade pick to Cleveland – LeBron James
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STAY!
18. Arizona Cardinals – Sam Bradford, Quarterback, Oklahoma
The Cardinals simply cannot decide which QB to play, Matt Leinart or Kurt Warner, so they do the logical thing…they decide neither and go with Bradford.
19. New York Jets – Kobe Bryant, Shooting Guard, Los Angeles Lakers
The Jets had great success with Braylon Edwards, so they’ve decided to load up with athletes who have feuds with LeBron James.
20. Minnesota Vikings – Johnny Unitas, QB, Baltimore Colts
The Vikings had success with wheelchair QB Favre, so they plan to go with a younger kid from Baltimore when Favre inevitably retires (then un-retires….then retires).
21. Dallas Cowboys – Plaxico Burress, gun-slinger, Rikers Island Prison
The Cowboys figure if they’re going to shoot themselves in the foot every year, they better learn from someone with experience in the field.
22. Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning’s sperm cells, ball boy, Indianapolis
The Colts put it in Peyton’s contract that they own his first-born. Now they are drafting the rest of his potential offspring.
23. Tennessee Titans – Jahvid Best, RB, California
Jeff Fisher doesn’t need another RB, but he specifically told his staff to “draft the Best player on the board.” They took it literally and came out with Jahvid Best.
24. Baltimore Ravens – Ndakumong Suh, DT, Nebraska
The Ravens are puzzled he fell this far. He hits like a tons of bricks, and runs like a ton of bricks too.
25. Atlanta Falcons – Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
Just in case Matt Ryan decides to fight dogs…
26. Golden State Warriors – Stephen Curry, SG, Davidson
The Warriors wanted to jump in this draft and steal Stephen Curry from New York just in case they wanted him here too.
27. New York Giants – Nate Robinson, PG, New York Knicks
Their first two options (LeBron and Stephen) are already off the board, and the Knicks dumped their whole roster to sign LeBron, the released players have to land somewhere. And there’s nothing more ironic than Nate Robinson playing for a team named the “Giants.”
28. New Orleans Saints – Katrina, Hurricane, Gulf of Mexico
Katrina worked out at the combine and blew everyone away! The Saints know all too well just how hard this prospect hits, though Katrina hasn’t had very much production against inland teams.
29. Denver Broncos - Adam “Pacman” Jones, Rain Maker, Dirrrrty South
The Broncos need someone with enough legal problems to take the focus off of Brandon Marshall.
30. Chicago Bears – Darryl Magee, ball boy, Chicago Bears
This ball boy is pretty dang fast! He is carrying three balls in his highlight film, imagine how fast he’ll be without that extra weight!
Ruuuuuuuun Forest!
31. Carolina Panthers – trade pick to Cleveland – LeBron James' Nike puppet
“We’ll give you the key to the city! We’ll change our name to the Jamesland Fightin’ Bron Brons! What can we do to keep you here?!?”
32. New England Patriots – Sean Glennon, QB impersonator
The Patriots feel as though they could draft literally anyone and have success with them. They’ll have their hands full here…
33. Pittsburgh Steelers – Johnnie Cochran, lawyer, television
The Steelers don’t need much help on the field, but Big Ben could use a good lawyer right about now…
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