I’m back for my 6th installment of my 8,742 part series on Today in Sports. While the past couple weeks have been pretty slow when it comes to athletes (and celebrities in general) doing stupid things, this week more than made up for it. So I have a lot to cover and may save some for next week’s article.
I’ll begin with some props to my boy, Brett Favre. I know I rode him pretty hard in my first article, but he deserves some credit. He set a record this past week by becoming the first NFL quarterback to beat all 32 NFL teams in his career by beating the Packers last week (and by beating the Jets on multiple occasions last season). However, I was surprised to find out that this feat was not actually his ultimate goal.
Let me explain…like most athletes, Favre wants to be considered the best that his/her sport has ever seen. So Favre looked at other athletes in all sports to figure out how they became known as the greatest of all time.
He looked at Michael Jordan, whose jersey is retired by 3 teams, the Bulls, the Wizards and…wait for it….the Heat?!? (Yes, the Miami Heat actually retired his jersey…as well as Dan Marino, who is the greatest quarterback to ever play for the Heat). Favre also looked at Wayne Gretzky, whose number 99 is retired by all NHL teams. Favre decided that he needed to have the same done for his number 4. So Brett, in his infinite wisdom, decided the easiest way to get this accomplished is to play for and retire from all 32 NFL teams.
So Brett Favre’s plan all along has been to not only beat all 32 NFL teams, but retire from them as well. If all goes according to his plan, Brett will have his jersey retired by all 32 NFL teams…and the Miami Heat.
Sticking with the NFL, the Detroit Lions set the world’s worst record last year by going 0-16 in the regular season. They decided in the offseason that they needed a change. What was that change? To trade for better players? New management? No…Absolutely not! The Lions decided what would really help them on the field was to change their logo to a more “fierce-looking” Lion . This change seems to have helped though; they’ve already won 2 games this year.
The St. Louis Rams finished 2nd last year in the NFL in terms of sucking. They saw what the Lions did this offseason to get things going and decided to make a logo change of their own. Their new logo will take effect immediately.
Speaking of teams destined for the first pick in the Draft, the Oakland Raiders have also made a bizarre move. Thursday, the Raiders decided to move JaMarcus Russell down to the minors. Now all you smart sports fans out there should realize there is no actual minor league for NFL teams, but the Raiders explained in a statement Friday…
“Thursday we called JaMarcus into our office and explained we were sending him to the minors. He immediately left the office and we have not heard from him since. He is wandering aimlessly through downtown Oakland as we speak. No one knows exactly where he is. But he isn’t here, and that’s the important thing.”
I haven’t followed baseball much since I was young, but I’ve always had respect for what those athletes are able to do with a ball flying at them at 90mph…until I heard about Miguel Cabrera. Miguel Cabrera was arrested this week for a physical altercation with his wife, Rihanna Cabrera. Miguel blew a 0.26 BAL, and was apparently partying with an opposing team the night before the big tie-breaker game against the Twins. He got out of jail at 6am, and still played that day, hungover…Now, how hard can baseball actually be if you can stay out all night, get hammered, beat your wife, go to jail, then come out the next day and go 2-for-4 with a home run and a double?? Furthering my point, David Wells pitched a perfect game (one of the hardest feats in baseball) hungover, in 1998.. Maybe Barry Bonds should ditch the roids and pick up the bottle…
Jumping to the NBA, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant as a sports city, Cleveland, and the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to spend the entire year trying to convince LeBron James that Cleveland is where he needs to stay. Whether that means trading away anyone who fights LeBron’s friends or insults him (this includes ordinary citizens…insurance salesman, Dave Carter was traded to Seattle, Washington for a proctologist and an intern to be named later…you know what you did, Dave) or changing their color scheme to a cooler look for LeBron, they will do anything.
But in a strange move the Cavaliers are actually changing the spelling of their basketball team. The pronounciation will remain the same as “Cah-vuh-LEERS” but it will be spelled K-N-I-C-K-S, with all 6 letters silent. They even developed uniforms with a color scheme eerily similar to a certain team from New York.
http://pdashmedia.com/wp-c
Look on the bright side Cleveland…if LeBron leaves you can remain in the spotlight by battling Washington D.C. as the worst sports city in the world…it’ll be a hot debate, though the Washington Fightin’ Ovechkins are a good hockey team. However, hockey isn’t a sport, so the playing field will be level.
BREAKING NEWS:
Brett Favre has just retired from the Houston Texans…
Turning my attention to another event, NASCAR (I know, I know…my article is called “Today in Sports” and NASCAR clearly isn’t a sport) had a pretty big wreck over the weekend. Many were hurt as debris from the wreckage spilled over into the crowd. Fan reactions were mixed…
“It was fuggin AWESOME!!” said Cletus Imarapist of Deliverance, West Virginia. “It was great! My wifesister was on my shoulders flashing Jeff Gordon when the wreck happened…she caught a muffler that had shot into the crowd, but a carburetor hit her in the mouth and knocked out all of her tooth.”
I don’t think that there is a more stereotyped fan base than NASCAR fans (maybe UT or WVU). I’m fairly certain you must be any combination of white, Republican, racist and drunk to be a true fan. Which means this guy is an excellent candidate.
http://www.youtube.com/wat
I’m saddened to report that Joe Paterno has died this week. Paterno battled for a long time against a disease similar to Lou Gehrig’s disease…Lou Holtz’s disease. Some symptoms include an inability to say any word with an “S” in it, and an inability to recognize when a sports network is using your lack of intelligence as the butt of many jokes.
Sad indeed…Joe Pa is survived by his two sons, Cain Paterno and Abel Paterno, as well as nephew John McCain-Paterno.
Some more semi-sad news: University of Tennessee PF, Emmanuel Negedu, collapsed last month with a heart problem and will not be medically cleared to play this year. The news of his heart condition isn’t the sad part…the sad part is I won’t get to make fun of him in future articles by referring to him as Emmanuel Ne-gay-dude…
In closing, I would like to shout out to the Virginia Tech football team for winning this weekend over a Pop Warner team cleverly disguised as the Boston College Eagles.
I’ll leave you with the fail of the week, which (not surprisingly) comes from Fox“News” and Glenn Beck…
http://www.youtube.com/wat
Yes Glenn, Obama, whose mother is white, has a deep-seeded hatred for white people…
"I'm not saying he doesn't like white people...I'm saying he hates them"
Until next time,
Donzel
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