first up...
Lil Wayne!
November 27, 2009…the day millions of Americans out-drove Tiger Woods.
For those of you who have been living under a rock, yet somehow have a computer to access my blog, Tiger Woods was found in his car after he wrecked it into a fire hydrant and a tree. First of all, this just furthers the stereotype that half-Asians can’t drive. Secondly, Tiger has always been more comfortable on the greens.
The ironic part about this whole situation is that the public would never have known about his indiscretions if he only had the ability to drive. It’s a gift and a curse.
About his alleged indiscretions, I can totally see why it happened…I mean have you seen the cow he is married to???
SICK!!!! Find a treadmill, piggy, GEEZ!!!!!
Sorry if that picture made you lose your lunch….
I am also getting word that Tiger was contractually obligated to scream out the slogans of the companies that sponsor(ed) him during sexual intercourse…
“JUST DO IT!”
“Is it in you?!?”
What he failed to realize was that being married to Elin Nordegren is probably “The Best A Man Can Get”
Sadly, someone at a retirement home nearby had let Joe Paterno escape at 2 a.m. and he was wandering aimlessly through the streets in Tiger’s neighborhood. Paterno was crushed by the oncoming car and killed instantly. R.I.P. Joe
In women’s tennis news, former #1 ranked Amelie Mauresmo has retired from professional tennis. Amelie’s retirement marks the first time a man has retired from women’s tennis since Martin Navratilova in 1994.
Ron Artest is back in the news. But this time it’s surprisingly not because he punched a fan. Artest admitted a couple weeks ago that he would occasionally buy alcohol before a game and drink it during halftime. This would explain his erratic behavior late in games during that year.
Walking up to refs sobbing, telling them he loves them…
Drunk texting ex-girlfriends while on the bench…
Singing loudly and off key to every song being pumped through the stadium’s sound system…
One team whose entire roster is drunk every time they take the floor is the New Jersey Nets. After only winning one game in the team’s first 20 contests, the NBA has decided to move the franchise down to the NBDL.
The Nets were 0-18 before winning their first game over the Charlotte Bobcats last week.
News of the win reached all parts of the nation, including Detroit, where the 2008 Detroit Lions and GM Hal McRae released a statement...
Allen Iverson pulled a Brett Favre and retired from retirement, with less than a week separating the two events. Meanwhile, the Memphis Grizzlies still insist that they have 6 players who are better than Allen Iverson.
Turning away from sports for just a little bit…I want to talk some about the latest teenage girl craze to hit the nation…Twilight. Spending a paragraph or two on this topic already makes this article at least 3.7 times gayer than usual, but it’s a risk I must take. Twilight, while highly homo-erotic, is a wildly successful movie. For the readers who are straight, Twilight is a movie made by a woman who never really watched scary movies growing up and had never watched a vampire movie. So it only makes sense that THE ONLY STORY SHE’S EVER WRITTEN, is about a bunch of good-looking teenage vampires who can go out during the day and want to fall in love more than suck blood.
So this got me thinking…I should write my own movie about a fictional creature. I think I’ll choose ghosts (I almost chose a rational Republican). Not scary ghosts like you see in the movies. No, my ghosts will be very attractive college students, who aren’t even transparent. They have skin and walk around like any other living human. And just because I can, my ghosts aren’t even dead.
Speaking of scary fictional creatures, Santa Clause is coming…
This time of year children everywhere are excited to know that on December 25th, an overweight elderly man will break into your home and leave “presents” under a tree, that is inexplicably brought inside to celebrate this time.
Side Note: Who was the first person to start this “tree” tradition??
Father: Honey, we really should do more to commemorate this special holiday…
Mother: How about we re-create the manger scene and put our presents in front of a new-born baby Jesus?
Father: WHAT!?!?! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say…I want a divorce!
Mother: OK, OK, how about we cut down a tree from outside, bring it inside and spend 3 hours putting pointless ornaments on it. We could also run electricity through it to make it light up and become a fire hazard…?
Father: BRILLIANT!
Annnnnd…scene!
For me, this time was really scary. I’m not cool with strangers in my home while I’m sleeping and how does he know exactly what I want, and if I’ve been bad or good? That’s something only a stalker or my parents would know…so I’ve come to a revelation........Santa Claus is stalking our children!
If you don’t believe me just read this letter to his estranged first wife, Karen Claus.
Dear Karen,
You really better watch out. You better not cry or pout, and I’ll tell you why…I’m coming to town!!! I’ve made a list and checked it twice. I also found out who in your family has been naughty and nice. You know what Karen, you’re on that list! And you’ll find out soon enough just which list you’re on.
I see you when you sleep, and I know when you’re awake. Therefore, I know if you’ve been bad or good, so for your sake you better hope you’ve been the latter. Yeah so stop your crying, and no more pouting…cause Big Daddy Santa is comin’ to town!
Sincerely,
Santa
P.S. stop leaving Macadamia Nut, no one eats that crap…
Finally, I have to take a shot at UT…and this week, staying with the Christmas theme, they gift-wrapped one for me…
Tennessee is being investigated by the NCAA for having attractive-ish host girls go to the games of high school recruits and make signs telling them to come to UT, which is illegal. I know Lane Kiffin and his 13 recruiting violations (in less than a full year) is a stickler for the rules, so this may all be hearsay. But doing a little investigating I found a picture of the group that is the focus of the investigation.
Now here’s my question…which one is supposed to be the pretty one??!?
I can see why they only won 7 games this year…
Side Note: The guy on the top left was Jonathon Crompton’s host…just sayin…he committed pretty quickly…
One of the most damning pieces of evidence is this photo of two members of the “Orange Pride” who drove all the way to South Carolina to watch a high school football game, and recruit the players to come to UT
What’s disturbing is that there seems to be evidence that the Orange Pride might be the masterminds behind other Tennessee scandals as well…
I’ll leave you with some videos of the week…these are some new and improved ShamWow and Snuggie commercials, as well as some others…
Snuggie 1
Snuggie 2
Snuggie 3
ShamWow!
MacBook Air
iPhone 3GS
