OK, so I’m back….big deal, wanna fight about it? I’ve been gone a while, but I’m in the mood to make fun of some people….and it just so happens there’s lots of people to make fun of on this particular day…so I’ll get right to it!
Listen, we all have heard about the NBA free agency breaking news…so I’ll begin talking about the big free agency news involving a former top draft pick that everyone is talking about…Darko Milicic has signed with the Minnesota Timberwolves!!!!
I’m not sure what news could possibly be bigger than this…Darko Milicic was taken ahead of Chris Bosh, Dwyane (Dwayne? Daywayne? Dayawanene?) Wade and Carmelo Anthony in the 2003 NBA Draft….or as the Pistons call it… “the draft that totally never happened”… “what? We did NOT take Darko ahead of Carmelo and D-Wade…we wouldn’t be that stupid…would we?!?”
One can only assume that with as much hoopla surrounding LeBron’s Deciso-mania-fest-apalooza, that the guy taken immediately after LeBron in the same draft might have a similar amount of following to his decision. Well regardless how many people were(n’t) watching, the Minnesota Timberwolves clearly weren’t watching any basketball last year as they offered Milicic $20 Million for 4 years. For those of you keeping score at home, Darko will be making $3 Million for every point he averaged last season (6.7). LeBron is only getting $500,000 per point averaged…so who’s laughing now LeBron??!? HA!
Now with the biggest news of all covered, I can get on to the secondary stuff that you may not have heard about…LeBron James spurned his hometown (Akron?) Cleveland Cavs and joined forces with Superstar Dwyanweynene Wade and his predator sidekick Chris Bosh. Let’s chill with the “Big 3” talk right now though. If LeBron and Ydnawe Wade are superstars of the caliber of Batman and Superman, Chris Bosh is more like Aquaman. Ya know? What does he really do? He talks to fish? Yeah, that’s more like a party trick than a superpower.
Chris Bosh has been in the NBA 9 years, so he’s bound to have all kinds of accolades for his time spent in the league being Toronto’s “superstar.”
What’s that? He’s only been selected All-NBA once? And it was SECOND TEAM?? Maybe Aquaman should be offended…
Maybe instead of The Big 3, we should call these guys “The Only 3”…as they’re apparently the only ones on Miami’s roster. Miami dumped all of their contracts (save Mario Chalmers and Michael Beasley) in order to have the cap space to sign 3 All-Stars…2 All-Stars and Chris Bosh. I’m wondering if the Heat understand you have to put 5 players on the court in order to play.
I’m being told that today the Miami Heat have made a trade…they are trading Michael Beasley to the Minnesota Timberwolves.
Hmmm…this could be good. Miami could trade Beasley and some draft picks in exchange for 3 or 4 serviceable players to fill out their roster. Let’s see what they do…
From ESPN…
“Beasley was traded to Minnesota early Friday for a 2011 second-round draft choice plus a future swap of first-round picks.”
ARE YOU F*&KING KIDDING ME?!?!? Does Pat Riley know that the 2011 draft happens next year?? He knows that doesn’t add any players to his roster, right?
OK OK…I see now they’ve used the cap space to sign another free agent. All they need is a serviceable point-guard and another post. That has to be what they’ve done here…
From ESPN…
“Hours after receiving a commitment from superstar forward LeBron James, the Miami Heat traded away enigmatic forward Michael Beasley and reportedly used that additional cap space to acquire free-agent swingman Mike Miller from Washington.”
(falls out of chair)
Pat Riley: Alright…we just added LeBron James, the best swingman in the NBA right now…hmmm who can we get now?
Rational person: Well, we could go after a couple centers for the mid-level exception, thus shoring up our frontcourt…
Pat Riley: No…no…that’s what they expect us to do…someone get me Mike Miller on the phone
Rational person: But coach…
Pat Riley: DO IT!
None of the joking aside, LeBron’s 60-minute special for a 3-second decision drew big ratings. In Cleveland, an estimated 1 in every 4 homes was tuned into the ESPN special. It comes as no coincidence that only 1 in 4 homes in Cleveland own a TV.
And after watching “The Decision,” that number is now down to 1 in every 8 homes. (HA! I made you do math in the summer)
The absurdity of everything I’ve mentioned up until now is pretty funny itself, but I’ve saved the best for last…this is an ACTUAL letter from the owner of the Cleveland Cavs, Dan Gilbert…I won’t change a single word or letter or font in what he wrote, but I will interject some thoughts between sentences and statements.
First thing you should take notice of is his use of quotations….it gets to the point where it just sounds like he is going for sexual innuendo.
“Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.”
OK OK, solid start….he doesn’t sound like a crazy person….yet…
This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.
I’m diggin how he used quotations for “witnessed” as though it’s debatable whether or not anyone saw him make a decision...
Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
OK…you said bitterly disappointing, but for you it seems as though the disappointment is causing you to lose your grip on the English language….in a 5-word span, you used the words “not,” “nor,” and “NEVER” in what seems to be the world’s first triple-negative (shut up, I know it isn’t)…but honestly “nor never”? as in “Cleveland will nor never win a title in anything?”
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.
Oh yeah? That’s not vague enough. How about “in the next few decades, you will be pleased with what we put on the court…I pinky-promise”
You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.
You have given so much and deserve so much more.
That’s right, you, the fans, have given so much to the Cleveland Cavaliers…your hard work for 6 years, every single day pushing your body to its physical limits to make yourself better and bring a title to the city we love…oh wait, that was LeBron
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE"
And as you can see, at this point ol’ Gilbert has fallen off of his rocker…what follows is an excessive use of clichés, “quotations,” vague promises, and the bitterness of a scorned teenage girl
You can take it to the bank.
Cliché #1…really? Can we? I’d love to take that to the bank, but sadly it’s worth less than any property in Cleveland now.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland,
I’m not sure anyone ever accused you of being very motivated
I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
Again with the quotations, however when talking about the “motivation” of the Cleveland Cavs, quotations are actually appropriate. But really? THIS is what makes you motivated to win a title? Not when you had one of the best players ever to play basketball on your team, but now? When the best player on your roster suffers from bipolar disorder, NOW is the time to be motivated to win a title?
The only way this letter could be any better is if he were to invoke spiritual undertones…
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.
PREACH IT BROTHER!
AAAAAMEN, AAAAAAAAAAAAMEN, AAAAAAAAAAAMEN, AMEN, AMEN
However, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree. Have you ever eaten at Five Guys?? That, my sociopathic friend, is a little bit of Heaven in and of itself.
This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become.
And AGAIN with the quotations! But really? This isn’t “the” lesson “you” want your “children” to “learn?”
Kids…it is much more important to make money and be miserable in the town you grew up in rather than make yourself better and go somewhere else to be more successful. Oh yeah, and don’t grow up to become 6’8 260lb world-class athletes…no one wants that.
But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.
Actually, I can think of many other things it can serve as…namely a nail, in a proverbial coffin.
The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.
This might be my favorite paragraph/run-on sentence…first, I’ve never heard LeBron actually refer to himself as “King James” I actually think it was the Cavs PR department that pushed that one. But is he really blaming LeBron for Cleveland having not won a title in any sport since 1964, 21 years before LeBron was even born? What started it, the sins of his father?
What would LeBron need to do to do “right” by Cleveland and Ohio? Bring in millions of dollars for 6 years while taking the Cavs to a level they had never achieved? He already did that…is he expecting LeBron to have a public sacrifice of his first-born? (LeBron has actually pitched the idea to ESPN, in an hour-long special)
Also, I love how he can’t even mention the name of the city LeBron will be heading to, even calling it a “town” as though it’s tucked back somewhere in the mountains.
Regardless, Dan Gilbert has just proven without a doubt that there is no longer a curse on Cleveland. He puts quotations around “curse” as though he doesn’t believe there is one, then goes to great length to try and prove LeBron is taking the fictitious curse with him to the “town-we-do-not-speak-of.”
Just watch.
Very thought-provoking, Mr. Gilbert. This is exactly what I say when I take a date to the movies and she asks too many questions.
Sleep well, Cleveland.
I don’t see how they couldn’t after this soothing call-to-arms you’ve provided them.
P.S.
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....
Unless you live in Cleveland…
P.P.S.
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
LeBron James?
P.P.S.S.
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....
I’m fairly certain that if something is long deserved, it would follow it is also long overdue…pretty much by definition.
Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers
I think this video pretty much sums up the reactions of the citizens of Cleveland last night...
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?!
In other news, Joe Paterno has been swimming in the Gulf of Mexico for 2 months...he is presumed dead due to large amounts of tar balls being taken to the face...RIP
Friday, July 9, 2010
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