Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Vol. 8

White people trying to be black, black people trying to be white.

Men dressing up as women, women dressing up as men.


Women trying to play basketball…

All that and more in this week’s article for my blog.

First, we’ll start with a picture that has enraged African-Americans everywhere. Apparently a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader decided that for Halloween she would like to dress up as Lil Wayne.



No biggie…I’ve seen that done, and quite frankly, I’ve seen it done better. But she went to the extreme of actually painting her entire body (I checked) black. This was seen as pretty offensive to a lot of people, but I wanted to take a look at the whole situation and see just how offensive/tame it really is.

First, my original thought is that the guy in the background of the picture is extra-white enough to offset the darkness she displays with her painted skin.

Secondly…it’s HALLOWEEN! A holiday whose sole purpose is to dress up as something you are not (unless you’re a whore, because plenty of whores dress as such on Halloween), and I think a white cheerleader dressed as a black rapper would pretty much nail that criteria.

Thirdly, I saw a number of attractively below average (ugly) girls dress as Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders this year, yet it failed to make the news. I’m actually more upset about that than a white girl dressed as a black man.

I can see where it might be offensive though. Someone of a certain race painting themselves and acting out the stereotypes of the race they are portraying…I get it, that’s pretty offensive.

But let’s look at both sides of this race coin. Sure, white people have done this before…



But I don’t remember any backlash from these two





Don’t get me wrong, I’m not outraged by black people dressing up as white people; I think all parties involved look equally stupid. Besides, there are some people who have dressed up as the opposite race for their ENTIRE LIVES





C’mon guys, that’s just racist…



In preparation for the college basketball season getting ready to start, I told my DVR to record all basketball events. Unfortunately, my DVR accidentally recorded a women’s “basketball” game between Tennessee and Baylor.

I would normally delete such recordings in the amount of time it takes Glenn Beck to blame Obama, but something caught my eye. Baylor has a freshman, named Brittney Griner, who is 6’8 and has a 7’4 wingspan. What’s even more (less) impressive is that she can dunk (barely), so I decided to watch and see if she would do anything of significance.

Her stat line read:

3 of 8 shooting
4 rebounds
4 blocks
4 fouls
0 dunks
40 minutes of my life wasted
1 big disappointment

A big girl who can (possibly?) dunk in a game, will inevitably bring about the question…

“Could she play with guys?”

And the answer is yes!

She could certainly play with guys in a game of basketball, just not on the NBA/D1/D2/D3/NAIA/NCCAA/JuCo/Club/High School Varsity/pick-up games at the YMCA…levels.

She’s perfect for a high school boys JV team in Alaska though, she could add 3 or 4 points per game when her team is up by 50…it’s a giant leap for the women’s game.

Actually…I take that back…she could definitely play for the Nets

(Editor’s note: quick apology to both my female readers…why so serious?)

I will say this for Brittney though, she is the first athlete to have a movie about her life come out before she even started college.



Forget the South African runner, someone needs to check this wo(man) for jewels.



In the latest case of someone impersonating Chris Brown, Raiders head coach, Tom Cable is having charges brought against him for assaulting a woman. Cable decided to one-up his teenage nemesis though. Cable not only assaulted a girlfriend, but also two wives!

You may remember this tough guy as the coach who punched his assistant coach in the face earlier in the year. But in his defense, Cable thought the coach was a girl…

The accusations against Tom Cable are pretty interesting, the whole story involves five women:

Marie Lutz
Sandy Cable
Glenda Cable
Carol Cable
Tom Cable

One quick observation here…either Tom Cable is REALLY into “keepin’ it in the family” or you have at least two women who need to let go and change their last name.

Through his attorneys, Cable declined to comment. On Sunday, he released a statement through his agent and attorney Donald Yee, saying "on only one occasion in my life have I ever touched a woman inappropriately."



Really Tom?! With a face like this, and three kids, I would put that number at a MINIMUM of three.

Tip for Tom: stop beating women and start trying to beat any team in the NFL

After jokingly reporting for weeks that Penn State Coach Joe Paterno had died, I regret to inform you that he actually died this week from a heart attack suffered while sitting in a parked car at a Pilot gas station in Knoxville, TN. It is unknown what startled him enough to set off the attack, but black hoodies and a pellet gun are believed to be involved.

In comedy news this week…Notre Dame lost again! The loss to perennial powerhouse UConn puts Notre Lame at 6-5 on the year, and Charlie Weis out of a job. At the beginning of the year, it was said that this was Notre Lame’s weakest schedule in a long time. How this team mustered up the will power to pull out 6 wins against such fierce opponents as Nevada, Washington St and Purdue is beyond me.

Man, at least no one was dumb enough to pick them to play in the national title game…

(smacks forehead)

Saturday’s loss to UConn was simply "enough" for Notre Dame students and fans. It was apparently enough for one student to punch Clausen in the face outside of a bar in South Bend later that night….

(stands up….starts slow clap)

From what I gather the timeline of events goes like this:

7:00 pm – Clausen optimistic in last home game of the year.
8:00 pm – Less optimistic
10:00 pm – Clausen blows it with two INTs late in the game
10:05 pm – Weis searches Craigslist for new home
11:00 pm – Clausen makes terrible decision…goes out after bad loss
2:00 am – Clausen and girlfriend have words with other patrons of the bar
2:02 am – Clausen and girlfriend leave bar
2:03 am – drunken girlfriend leaves purse in the bar (don’t they always?)
2:04 am – Clausen goes back in to retrieve purse
2:06 am – Clausen retrieves purse…skips out the door with bag on shoulder
2:07 am – ND student follows Clausen and punches him outside bar
2:08 am – Clausen passes out on sidewalk
2:09 am – Clausen is single…ex-girlfriend leaves with Luke Harangody

One can only hope that this means there is a serial puncher on the loose in South Bend, and that his next victim will be Charlie Weiss.

Would it be too much to ask for Bill O’Reilly and Kanye West to also make that list of upcoming victims?

In political news, Sarah Palin has written a book, despite having an inability to either write or read. The book is called Going Rogue, and details her life on the campaign trail. I haven’t read the book…I stopped reading children’s books when I was really young…but I would assume that the book goes something like this…

It’s McCain’s fault
It’s Katie Couric’s fault
It’s Bristol Palin’s fault
Obama wants to steal your babies and kill your parents
Did you guys realize he’s black?!?
He was totally born in the country, Africa
Hockey moms
Lipstick
Joe the Plumber
Jack the Ripper
Frosty the Snowman

I have it from a very good source that she also quit halfway through the book and the last 200 pages are blank. She quit, “for the people of Alaska!” And only a true rogue would quit midway through writing a book.

“You know who finishes books?? The LIBERAL ELITISTS…THAT’S WHO!!” said Palin.


I leave you today with an auto-tune video of Kanye West and some cute kids…sadly this video is the best Kanye has sounded his entire career.

One of the best videos of all time...OF ALL TIME

Side note: Isn’t it ironic that Kanye’s best song (Through the Wire) is about his mouth being wired shut?

That’s all for this week!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

vol. 7

and Boom goes the dynamite!

I'm back after a couple weeks off. I got my wisdom teeth cut out, so spending time making fun of people wasn't high on my priority list. Plus, watching Virginia Tech flounder is seriously depressing...can I pick a new school to graduate from?

I'll try to make up for my time off with a good amount of material...so I'll get right into it...


Andre Agassi's new book details his use of Crystal Meth while he was playing tennis professionally. There seems to be some disagreement, however, on the timeline of his use of the drug. But judging from his haircut and what he's wearing, I'm gonna guess it would be around this time period

Michael Jordan's son, Marcus, is involved in an on-going battle with Adidas and is dragging his school, Univ. of Central Florida, along with him. UCF is in the last year of a 5-year contract with Adidas, which states that all UCF athletes must wear Adidas apparel to all sporting events. Marcus, being the diva his last name would suggest, has refused to wear Adidas and will only wear his father's "Jordan Brand" shoes. UCF had a scrimmage this week and Marcus wore Jordan's, causing Adidas to drop UCF from its list of schools.

Marcus Jordan may prove to be the most expensive college athlete ever (outside of OJ Mayo) as his decision has cost the school around 5 Million dollars...using his stat line from their scrimmage this week, he is costing UCF...

5 Million Dollars per point



A Crazed Philadelphia Phillies fan wanted some World Series tickets, and being female she did the only reasonable thing she could think of...she sold sexual favors in exchange for tickets. No joke here, just would like to take this time to add that I have VT basketball season tickets for sale...

just sayin...


Speaking of myself, many of you know that I am an aspiring coach, so today I figured I would give you guys an idea of where I go to learn about the game of basketball. Usually I wouldn't reveal my source, but I see this as an opportunity to let this guy help you become a better student of the game, just as he's done for me...

He looks...He shoots...He SCORES!


One person who could learn from Coach Chang is Isaiah Thomas...Thomas has a streak going, his first job was with the Pacers, he ruined that franchise, he then went to the New York Knicks and took the from last place to worst...so it would only make sense that his new job as Head coach of Florida International will not go so well...he proved as much this week by losing to an NAIA school in an exhbition game, which raises a couple questions...

1) Isaiah Thomas is head coach of Florida International...since when did regional airports sponsor universities?

2) You couldn't schedule anyone easier? Indiana scheduled Grace University...they're not even affiliated with the NCAA, but rather the NCCAA (Nat'l Christian College Athletics Assoc.)...Grace was within 6 of Indiana at halftime, it was literally the worst basketball game I've ever witnessed.


Sobering news...Joe Paterno died earlier this evening from complications surrounding a century-long battle with dysentery. Paterno contracted dysentery while traveling on the Oregon Trail with his great grandkids.

Editor's Note: I really miss that game, Oregon Trail...though it really was impossible not to die from dysentery.

It may surprise some of you baseball fans that I didn't lead off my article with the World Series...well, I have a good excuse...I didn't watch and didn't care. I accidentally watched more Gossip Girl by surfing channels, than I did of any game of the World Series...it also bugs me that it's called the "World Series", maybe if by "world" they mean "from Miami to Canada"...maybe the MLS should change their championship name to the "World Cup"


The NBA cares...

remember those advertisements? Well, we know for certain that the LA Clippers care, at least. The Clippers saw the terrible economy and decided to give a lucrative contract to a homeless man

The homeless man will play PG and go by the name of "Baron Davis"


Glen "Big Baby" Davis has stated that he plans to play in the NFL in the future. The Boston Celtics forward is 6'9 290lbs, but I don't like the NFL chances of anyone whose nickname is "big baby". Furthermore, Big Fat Lardo Lazy Baby is currently out for six weeks with a broken thumb...if you're going to play in the NFL and miss six weeks, at least shoot yourself in the leg.

Don't worry though Celtics fans, Fat Boi has some unfinished business first...

"When I become an All-Star in the NBA, then I'll try football" said Davis.

Glen Davis isn't even good enough to be an All-2009 Boston Celtic, so don't sweat him jumping to the NFL anytime soon


Th Western Athletic Conference (WAC) decided to hire a PR firm to help promote Boise State as a legitimate national title contender. The PR firm came up with 3 solutions, much to the surprise of WAC officials.

1) Move to the PAC-10
2) Stop scheduling Pop Warner teams for out-of-conference opponents
3) Have the WAC change their name to the Southeastern Conference


That's all for this week...