NFL: Mocking the Mock Draft

Every year, some clown puts out a list of how he thinks the next NFL Draft will shake out. Many times without even knowing what draft order the teams are in. Others are smarter and wait til a couple days before the draft and amazingly predict (with 10% accuracy) the outcome of the draft.

How ESPN employs someone like Mel Kiper to yell all day (you have a microphone) about who will be picked is beyond me. The better question is: "why does anyone care about any mock draft?" Chances are every single team will wind up with someone completely different.

With that said, here is my official 2010 NFL Mock Mock Draft:

1. St. Louis Rams – Urban Meyer, coach, Univ. of Florida
The Rams have A LOT of needs, but none more pressing than anyone who knows what they’re doing. They will be disappointed when they learn that despite his apparent love affair with Tim Tebow, they are not actually attached at the hip. Plus, Rush Limbaugh will only allow the Rams to draft someone white.



2. Kansas City Chiefs – Clay Aiken, Tight End
The Chiefs have a pressing need along the offensive line, and NO ONE will be more willing to put his hands on defensive linemen than Clay Aiken.



3. Washington Redskins – Alex Ovechkin, Captain
The Redskins are in disarray. They have one of the biggest salaries in football but are not producing on the field. They feel Ovechkin can provide some leadership to a team that is sorely lacking it. They also like the fact that he already knows how to play on a team with sub-par athletes and make them mediocre.

4. Oakland Raiders – Jake Locker, Quarterback, Univ. of Washington
I realize the Raiders drafted JaMarcus Russell a couple years ago, but they REALLY believe they can win if only they had a big QB with a strong arm and athleticism.

5. Detroit Lions – Arrelious Benn, Wide Receiver, Univ. of Illinois
I just get this feeling that what the Lions lack is a game-breaking WR. They should’ve thought of that in their previous drafts!

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tim Tebow, virgin, Univ. of Florida
The Tampa Bay Bucs saw that the Jaguars really want Tebow, and think he would generate ticket sales. They will decide to undercut the Jaguars in hopes of becoming the only NFL team in Florida.



This just in…ESPN announces multi-million dollar deal with Tampa to televise all their future games in exchange for exclusive footage of their shower room after practices.

7. Cleveland Browns – LeBron James, “Small” Forward, Cleveland Cavs
In another attempt to keep LeBron in Cleveland, the Browns will draft him and trade his rights to the Cavs in the event he decides to leave.

8. Seattle Seahawks – who cares?, question, English language
I sure don’t.

9. Cincinnati Bengals – LeGarrette Blount, Heavyweight Champ, Univ. of Oregon
In keeping with tradition, the Bengals need to draft someone with a criminal record. Also, Bengal fans will think twice about booing if they’re afraid he might come into the crowd.

Momma said knock you out!

10. Buffalo Bills – Terrance Cody, Left and Right Guard, Univ. of Alabama
It’s REALLY cold in Buffalo! Anyone with as much body fat as Cody will have no problem whatsoever. He’ll play sleeveless and need to be hooked up to IV’s at halftime for heat exhaustion.



11. Jacksonville Jaguars – Tim Tebow
Yes, I realize the Bucs already picked Tebow, but the Jaguars made their minds up months ago and didn’t scout anyone else.

This just in…ESPN is really confused…

12. San Diego Chargers – LaDanian Tomlinson, RB, San Diego Chargers
The Chargers are hoping that drafting him again will make him younger.

13. Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre, retired, AARP
BABY COME BACK!

14. Philadelphia Eagles – Donte Stallworth, drunk driver, AA meetings
The Eagles had marginal success with athletes who have been suspended for murdering people/animals.



15. San Francisco 49ers – Marty McFly, time-traveler
The hope here is that McFly brings his DeLorean with him so the 49ers can travel back to the time they were relevant. (Which just so happens to be around the time this movie was made.)



16. Miami Dolphins – Cody Paul, 9-yr old Pop Warner star
This kid will be CRAZY SICK in the Wildcat formation.

CP5

17. Houston Texans – trade pick to Cleveland – LeBron James
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STAY!

18. Arizona Cardinals – Sam Bradford, Quarterback, Oklahoma
The Cardinals simply cannot decide which QB to play, Matt Leinart or Kurt Warner, so they do the logical thing…they decide neither and go with Bradford.

19. New York Jets – Kobe Bryant, Shooting Guard, Los Angeles Lakers
The Jets had great success with Braylon Edwards, so they’ve decided to load up with athletes who have feuds with LeBron James.

20. Minnesota Vikings – Johnny Unitas, QB, Baltimore Colts
The Vikings had success with wheelchair QB Favre, so they plan to go with a younger kid from Baltimore when Favre inevitably retires (then un-retires….then retires).



21. Dallas Cowboys – Plaxico Burress, gun-slinger, Rikers Island Prison
The Cowboys figure if they’re going to shoot themselves in the foot every year, they better learn from someone with experience in the field.



22. Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning’s sperm cells, ball boy, Indianapolis
The Colts put it in Peyton’s contract that they own his first-born. Now they are drafting the rest of his potential offspring.



23. Tennessee Titans – Jahvid Best, RB, California
Jeff Fisher doesn’t need another RB, but he specifically told his staff to “draft the Best player on the board.” They took it literally and came out with Jahvid Best.

24. Baltimore Ravens – Ndakumong Suh, DT, Nebraska
The Ravens are puzzled he fell this far. He hits like a tons of bricks, and runs like a ton of bricks too.

25. Atlanta Falcons – Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
Just in case Matt Ryan decides to fight dogs…

26. Golden State Warriors – Stephen Curry, SG, Davidson
The Warriors wanted to jump in this draft and steal Stephen Curry from New York just in case they wanted him here too.

27. New York Giants – Nate Robinson, PG, New York Knicks
Their first two options (LeBron and Stephen) are already off the board, and the Knicks dumped their whole roster to sign LeBron, the released players have to land somewhere. And there’s nothing more ironic than Nate Robinson playing for a team named the “Giants.”



28. New Orleans Saints – Katrina, Hurricane, Gulf of Mexico
Katrina worked out at the combine and blew everyone away! The Saints know all too well just how hard this prospect hits, though Katrina hasn’t had very much production against inland teams.



29. Denver Broncos - Adam “Pacman” Jones, Rain Maker, Dirrrrty South
The Broncos need someone with enough legal problems to take the focus off of Brandon Marshall.

30. Chicago Bears – Darryl Magee, ball boy, Chicago Bears
This ball boy is pretty dang fast! He is carrying three balls in his highlight film, imagine how fast he’ll be without that extra weight!

Ruuuuuuuun Forest!

31. Carolina Panthers – trade pick to Cleveland – LeBron James' Nike puppet
“We’ll give you the key to the city! We’ll change our name to the Jamesland Fightin’ Bron Brons! What can we do to keep you here?!?”



32. New England Patriots – Sean Glennon, QB impersonator
The Patriots feel as though they could draft literally anyone and have success with them. They’ll have their hands full here…



33. Pittsburgh Steelers – Johnnie Cochran, lawyer, television
The Steelers don’t need much help on the field, but Big Ben could use a good lawyer right about now…

Vol. 6

Hello all,

I’m back for my 6th installment of my 8,742 part series on Today in Sports. While the past couple weeks have been pretty slow when it comes to athletes (and celebrities in general) doing stupid things, this week more than made up for it. So I have a lot to cover and may save some for next week’s article.

I’ll begin with some props to my boy, Brett Favre. I know I rode him pretty hard in my first article, but he deserves some credit. He set a record this past week by becoming the first NFL quarterback to beat all 32 NFL teams in his career by beating the Packers last week (and by beating the Jets on multiple occasions last season). However, I was surprised to find out that this feat was not actually his ultimate goal.

Let me explain…like most athletes, Favre wants to be considered the best that his/her sport has ever seen. So Favre looked at other athletes in all sports to figure out how they became known as the greatest of all time.

He looked at Michael Jordan, whose jersey is retired by 3 teams, the Bulls, the Wizards and…wait for it….the Heat?!? (Yes, the Miami Heat actually retired his jersey…as well as Dan Marino, who is the greatest quarterback to ever play for the Heat). Favre also looked at Wayne Gretzky, whose number 99 is retired by all NHL teams. Favre decided that he needed to have the same done for his number 4. So Brett, in his infinite wisdom, decided the easiest way to get this accomplished is to play for and retire from all 32 NFL teams.

So Brett Favre’s plan all along has been to not only beat all 32 NFL teams, but retire from them as well. If all goes according to his plan, Brett will have his jersey retired by all 32 NFL teams…and the Miami Heat.

Sticking with the NFL, the Detroit Lions set the world’s worst record last year by going 0-16 in the regular season. They decided in the offseason that they needed a change. What was that change? To trade for better players? New management? No…Absolutely not! The Lions decided what would really help them on the field was to change their logo to a more “fierce-looking” Lion . This change seems to have helped though; they’ve already won 2 games this year.

The St. Louis Rams finished 2nd last year in the NFL in terms of sucking. They saw what the Lions did this offseason to get things going and decided to make a logo change of their own. Their new logo will take effect immediately.

Speaking of teams destined for the first pick in the Draft, the Oakland Raiders have also made a bizarre move. Thursday, the Raiders decided to move JaMarcus Russell down to the minors. Now all you smart sports fans out there should realize there is no actual minor league for NFL teams, but the Raiders explained in a statement Friday…

“Thursday we called JaMarcus into our office and explained we were sending him to the minors. He immediately left the office and we have not heard from him since. He is wandering aimlessly through downtown Oakland as we speak. No one knows exactly where he is. But he isn’t here, and that’s the important thing.”

I haven’t followed baseball much since I was young, but I’ve always had respect for what those athletes are able to do with a ball flying at them at 90mph…until I heard about Miguel Cabrera. Miguel Cabrera was arrested this week for a physical altercation with his wife, Rihanna Cabrera. Miguel blew a 0.26 BAL, and was apparently partying with an opposing team the night before the big tie-breaker game against the Twins. He got out of jail at 6am, and still played that day, hungover…Now, how hard can baseball actually be if you can stay out all night, get hammered, beat your wife, go to jail, then come out the next day and go 2-for-4 with a home run and a double?? Furthering my point, David Wells pitched a perfect game (one of the hardest feats in baseball) hungover, in 1998.. Maybe Barry Bonds should ditch the roids and pick up the bottle…

Jumping to the NBA, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant as a sports city, Cleveland, and the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to spend the entire year trying to convince LeBron James that Cleveland is where he needs to stay. Whether that means trading away anyone who fights LeBron’s friends or insults him (this includes ordinary citizens…insurance salesman, Dave Carter was traded to Seattle, Washington for a proctologist and an intern to be named later…you know what you did, Dave) or changing their color scheme to a cooler look for LeBron, they will do anything.

But in a strange move the Cavaliers are actually changing the spelling of their basketball team. The pronounciation will remain the same as “Cah-vuh-LEERS” but it will be spelled K-N-I-C-K-S, with all 6 letters silent. They even developed uniforms with a color scheme eerily similar to a certain team from New York.

http://pdashmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/LeKnick.jpg

Look on the bright side Cleveland…if LeBron leaves you can remain in the spotlight by battling Washington D.C. as the worst sports city in the world…it’ll be a hot debate, though the Washington Fightin’ Ovechkins are a good hockey team. However, hockey isn’t a sport, so the playing field will be level.

BREAKING NEWS:

Brett Favre has just retired from the Houston Texans…

Turning my attention to another event, NASCAR (I know, I know…my article is called “Today in Sports” and NASCAR clearly isn’t a sport) had a pretty big wreck over the weekend. Many were hurt as debris from the wreckage spilled over into the crowd. Fan reactions were mixed…

“It was fuggin AWESOME!!” said Cletus Imarapist of Deliverance, West Virginia. “It was great! My wifesister was on my shoulders flashing Jeff Gordon when the wreck happened…she caught a muffler that had shot into the crowd, but a carburetor hit her in the mouth and knocked out all of her tooth.”

I don’t think that there is a more stereotyped fan base than NASCAR fans (maybe UT or WVU). I’m fairly certain you must be any combination of white, Republican, racist and drunk to be a true fan. Which means this guy is an excellent candidate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcULyAOkfts

I’m saddened to report that Joe Paterno has died this week. Paterno battled for a long time against a disease similar to Lou Gehrig’s disease…Lou Holtz’s disease. Some symptoms include an inability to say any word with an “S” in it, and an inability to recognize when a sports network is using your lack of intelligence as the butt of many jokes.

Sad indeed…Joe Pa is survived by his two sons, Cain Paterno and Abel Paterno, as well as nephew John McCain-Paterno.

Some more semi-sad news: University of Tennessee PF, Emmanuel Negedu, collapsed last month with a heart problem and will not be medically cleared to play this year. The news of his heart condition isn’t the sad part…the sad part is I won’t get to make fun of him in future articles by referring to him as Emmanuel Ne-gay-dude…

In closing, I would like to shout out to the Virginia Tech football team for winning this weekend over a Pop Warner team cleverly disguised as the Boston College Eagles.

I’ll leave you with the fail of the week, which (not surprisingly) comes from Fox“News” and Glenn Beck…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MI_0Kt_e3Go

Yes Glenn, Obama, whose mother is white, has a deep-seeded hatred for white people…

"I'm not saying he doesn't like white people...I'm saying he hates them"

Until next time,

Donzel

Vol. 5

Hello all,

After taking a week off for, among other things, a lack of events/people to make fun of, I’m back with my fifth note in this series.

This weekend I made my way to Blacksburg to watch the VT-Miami game. Most of you reading know that VT won, 31-7. But what made that win even more fulfilling was that no one at ESPN gave VT a chance of winning. Miami was “back” baby! They got their swagger back and they were gonna roll through Blacksburg easily (something they have only done once since the 90’s). But the Miami Tropical Depressions aren’t back, and their swagger looked more like a stagger on Saturday.

With the win, Virginia Tech moved up to the #6 spot in the rankings. This is something that is very exciting for Hokie fans everywhere, because we are now in position to play for the National Championship. BUT, if you’re a Hokie fan at all you’ll readily admit that VT has shown a tendency to choke worse than the Chicago Cubs late in the season, so I’ll put my hopes and dreams on the backburner. So I’m very excited that VT is ranked so high, but really scared that the offensive kryptonite, Bryan Stinespring, will find some way to make sure we’re not playing in Pasadena.

VT’s move from #11 to #6 was helped by the fact that 4 teams ahead of VT lost. And it’s very easy to kick someone when they’re down so I’ll start there…

#4 Ole Miss lost on Thursday night to South Carolina. Who didn’t expect that?!? Who (besides EsecPN) actually thought Mississippi was the fourth best team in the nation???

Quick, name 3 players on Mississippi’s roster…don’t worry, I’ll wait…


If you named someone other than quarterback Jevan Snead, you might want to take up writing an article of your own…I’d read it.

#5 Penn State lost to Iowa…adding insult to injury, Joe Paterno, long-time Penn State coach, died earlier this week, he was 97, my condolences…

Switching gears for a bit from college football to baseball, the Anaheim Angels clinched a berth in the playoffs this week. Now admittedly, I know/care as much about baseball as I do feminine hygiene products. But, the fact that they won isn’t what made their mention in this article warranted, but rather their celebration.

At the beginning of the season, rookie pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed in an automobile accident after pitching a game for the Angels (ironic nickname anyone?). The man driving the car that killed Adenhart blew over the legal limit of alcohol in California. So keep in mind that Nick Adenhart was killed by a drunk driver.

Now flash forward to this week, and the Angels have kept Adenhart’s jersey all year for inspiration (which is cool) and when they won this week they decided the most appropriate celebration would be…I kid you not…to pour beer all over his jersey

Stay classy Anaheim…

I reported in my last article that NCAA President, Myles Brand had died…this week the NCAA and Indiana University (the school where worked prior to the NCAA) have planned a tribute and celebration of his life. If baseball shows us anything about the human cognition, the NCAA will pour cancer cells all over President Brand’s suit and tie at the service. (too soon?)

Turning back to football, Florida’s second-coming found out just how worldly he is this weekend. Tim Tebow suffered a concussion late in the Gator’s game with Kentucky. There’s no need to make fun of a concussion, so I’ll stick to the most damning fact about Tim Tebow…he came out of the closet this week.

Don’t believe me?? Well, let’s start with this…it’s a picture of Tebow’s girlfriend. That wouldn’t be evidence enough to convict, but couple that with his press conference stating that he is a virgin, and there ya go!

There’s not a single straight man in the entire world who wouldn’t try to take a run at her, and if Tim Tebow is saying he’s a virgin, he is either lying about how much of a good guy he is or he’s gay…take your pick ladies…

I know of at least one person who is devastated about Tebow’s injury…

This Guy

Enough of Tebow, you can watch it all on the Tebow network (same station as ESPN)…check your local listings

Apparently the Kansas Jayhawks have their own little civil war going on…

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4505703

There is a battle between the football and basketball teams that has apparently been going on for years. It has been reported that they are fighting over many things, but one of them is which program is more dominant. I don’t know about you guys, but there’s one team that comes to mind when I think of dominance over the last decade and that’s Kansas Jayhawk football…

It seems like that portion of the argument would be settled pretty quickly.

I wondered just how far back this argument went, so I did some excellent digging and came up with VIDEO of the original fight that set everything off!

WARNING: the video is a little graphic, as punches are thrown…so watch at your own risk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qe5kaiTS0g


After the fight, they settled their differences over a shake at the Max with school President Belding, but it doesn’t seem as though the fight has ever truly ended.

They better get their act together, they travel to Valley this weekend…

In the college basketball world, Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl looked like an idiot this week when giving a talk to boosters. Pearl, in his failed attempt at humor, talked about the diversity of his team saying that he recruits guys who are from “the hood” as well as guys who come from areas where people wear “the hood.” If you’re having trouble following the terrible joke, “wearing the hood” is referring to the KKK.

I don’t know what’s more disturbing, a white guy talking about “the hood” or a Jewish guy talking about the KKK…

It is Yom Kippur, maybe he just wanted something to atone for…

Also in college basketball, Grambling Head Coach, Rick Duckett, was fired this week. He was fired by a letter (that’s cold) from school officials. Add that to the fact that one of his players died after a workout with the team, and he gets the Worst Week Award. However, he speculated that the reason he was fired was because of the player’s death.

You know, if a school fires a coach because of the death of a player at a workout that the coach did not even attend, then that’s insanely unprofessional.

Oh wait, he was 6-24 last year in the nation’s worst conference??

Yeah…ummmm… Rick? Maybe you should try a new profession…

New Mexico St. football coach, Mike Locksley, punched one of his assistants in the mouth (he is the second football coach to do so this month)…but those close to the situation are sticking up for Locksley saying he is a “stand-up guy”…which must be true because his only other infraction in his first year as a head coach is that he sexually harassed his secretary…sounds like a winner

What’s with all the fighting this week? Even the fans are getting into it…with the COPS!! (thanks to Sean Ryan for the heads up on that video)


That’s all for this week!

Thanks to those who saw me in Blacksburg this weekend and commented about my previous articles, I like to hear that people are actually reading them. Also thanks for the comments on the articles themselves, and don’t be afraid to disagree with me on something I write about. If you're not being tagged in the note and would like to, just comment or leave me a message.

I’ll leave you with one last video…the fail of the week

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePNWCniwgfo

Sincerely,

Donzel

Vol. 4

OK, so before I jump into anything sports related this week, I wanted to address something that happened at MTV’s Video Music Awards. I feel like I need to address the burning question that was raised from that event…

…“What was Kanye thinking?!?”....

No, not that question…

"Since when did MTV show music videos?"

Yeah, that’s the better question. It seems odd to me that a station named MUSIC TELEVISION, only broadcasts shows having nothing to do with music (or good television, for that matter). This would be like the Lifetime Network having an all-day marathon of Scarface, or FoxNews covering anything fair or balanced…it just doesn’t happen.

The only way MTV could make it worse is if they held their programming on the radio...

So yeah, Kanye is an idiot, or a Presidential jackass

So that will give me at least a paragraph of material…I need to talk about it.

Let me preface this by saying I did not watch the VMAs live, for a couple reasons:

1) I vow not to watch any awards show that contradicts the station it is on
2) I vow not to watch MTV for an extended period of time
3) I have male reproductive organs, so I was actually watching football

I received at least 10 “dang, did you just see what Kanye did?” texts, so I figured it had to be something bad. So I had to do what millions of people did after the show (wonder why they wasted 2 hours of their life?), I looked it up on the internet.

After watching it a couple times, I had a couple impressions, one being that for as much as he was hated on for what he did, it was actually pretty tame (OMG! Kanye thinks someone didn’t deserve an award!!). I actually thought the same myself…really?!? Taylor Swift? Best female video? Was there a stipulation that you couldn’t vote unless you were a 13 year-old girl?

(Taylor Swift, while a horrid excuse for an artist, will always have a place in my heart for the song she wrote about me )

The difference between Kanye and myself is that it would never cross my mind to jump up on stage and tell the tens of people watching exactly what I was thinking. But we already knew Kanye’s brain functions much like John McCain’s bladder.

lingual incontinence

Beyonce’s video was good, but the best ever?? C’mon Kanye

OK, so I’m thinking after this rant about KanyewestaylorGate and the one last week about the band “Fergie and the minorities,” I should change the name of my article to “Today in Life.” I could talk about all the dumb things people do in general, and not confine myself to only sports.

OR

I could pull an MTV and keep it titled “Today in Sports” but talk about whatever I wanted anyway and confuse anyone who might read the article (I think we have the same number of viewers).



ON TO SPORTS!

It was reported this week that NCAA President, Myles Brand, died yesterday from cancer. This is sad news. Not really a joke there, I can be serious too.

Myles Brand was adamantly against a playoff system for college football, so his death will soon lead to questions over “will this be one less obstacle for a playoff system?” Well, don’t get too excited over his tragic death just yet sports fans! I am hearing the new NCAA President is likely to be Jim Mora


Speaking of death…Joe Paterno

Penn State also wakes up to news of another tragic death. It appears that Joe Paterno has died as well from a chronic case of crotch rot…sad, sad news

Joe Pa will be missed…

Joe Paterno……December 21, 1926 – September 17, 2003

INSANE FACT OF THE DAY: Joe Paterno is 6 years older than Iraq

SECONDARY FACT OF THE DAY: Joe Paterno once pooped his pants on the sidelines (sadly I’m not making that up)


Enough with death…now for some funny!

Buffalo Bills DB, Ellis Lanksder has to be the worst public speaker of all-time. The kid is a PR nightmare and there’s nothing I could do to make his press conference more comical so I’ll simply show you the video…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWQKwik2vjQ

and if that’s not funny (read as: sad) enough, he now has his own rap album

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFQTaXY6eP8


Now, for the best news I’ve heard in weeks!

It is the middle of September, which means we are exactly one month away from the start of college basketball!

The NBA will gear up first, and I guess that can hold me over til the college games actually start. So to get the rest of you as pumped as I am I’ll show some inspirational promos from the NBA

Kobe!

Patrick Chewing

Teen Wolf

Fail

Vol. 3

Hello again,

I’m back with another article. Lots of things went on this week/weekend so I got a lot to cover.

First, I’ll start with Greg Paulus playing football…don’t laugh, he’s actually doing it. He joined the football team at Syracuse to play during his last year of eligibility. The problem is, he was first approached by Duke football coach, David Cutcliffe, and asked to come and try out at WIDE RECEIVER.

This brings me to a new segment of my article that I’ll call “REALLY?!?”

Really Greg?!? You think after 4 years of not playing football, at the sport’s most important position, that you could waltz into any program and be a starter?!?

Really Syracuse?!? You’re THAT awful that you recruit a sub-par point guard who hasn’t played in 4 years and was turned down by DUKE?!? Reeeeaaaalllllyyy??!?

Really Coach Cutcliffe?!? You don’t think your program could use a little spotlight to help with recruiting? You don’t think he could’ve helped you lose to Richmond? You’re right, Thad Lewis is sooooooo much better…

Really Mrs Paulus?!? That’s what you gave birth to??

Well, he actually didn’t play too terribly bad…until it actually mattered…Paulus threw an interception in OT into quadruple coverage…re-living his old point guard days at Duke, I’m sure

However this Paulus experiment turns out, he’ll only be remembered by me for one thing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCglZ4KFPWg

All kidding aside, Mike Gundy has his own take of how Paulus did this weekend…

So, Mike, what’d you think of Paulus’ first game of football in 4 years?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ6xk7V7yQw&feature=related

Ouch…care to say anything nice about the guy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaJL3XrD2Zo&feature=related

While I was watching Paulus waste space, ESPN led into the game with Kenny Chesney’s song he wrote especially for this college football season AND highlights of the UT football game…this means that in a span of 3 minutes I was watching Greg Paulus, Kenny Chesney and UT football simultaneously…I wanted to puke. There’s not too many things that could’ve made that scenario worse…maybe if I were watching the game with Liesel Benjamin while gorging myself on a jar of mayonnaise, I might have been able to complete the Circle of Hell.

(this is usually where I would put a link to the song, put I don’t want your computer to explode…)

I guess ESPN didn’t have much to choose from with regards to Kenny Chesney, their only other option is that God-awful Black-Eyed Peas song, “I Got A Feeling.” That song title pretty much sums up how I feel when I hear a new B.E.P. song (“I got a feeling” this song is going to suck…hard) and they never let me down. Seriously, that Black-Eyed Peas song is the worst song I’ve heard since……….well, their last one.

Really ESPN?!? Kenny Chesney and the Black-Eyed Peas?!? Who is in charge of choosing the songs, Helen Keller?

How about next week you dazzle our ears by playing “Mmm Bop” and “Macarena” (honestly I’d rather hear those than what you currently offer).

OK, and for a sub-tangent (this is a really long tangent). How do I know this is a terrible song?? Fergie is half-naked in the video and I can’t get over the fact that the song is raping my eardrums…

OK, and back to sports…

I guess I’ll talk about Notre Dame next…

They’re BACK!! After all these years of mediocrity, Notre Dame finally does it! They’re still undefeated after Week 1! I smell championnshhhiiipp…

I didn’t see the game (I forgot NBC still did sports) so I don’t know who they played…but they’re Notre Dame, they can schedule anyone! It HAD to be someone who is pretty decent. I mean…

…

NEVADA?!? Notre Dame still blows…

Charlie Weis might just be able to turn this thing around though, he has a genius idea. Schedule 12 of the worst teams in the nation and then when you win 8 or 9, point to the fact that you made it to a BCS bowl to save your job

FACT OF THE WEEK: Yes, it is an ACTUAL stipulation that Notre Dame gets a BCS bid if they win just 9 games…not a joke…on my part anyway

MADE-UP FACT OF THE WEEK: Kenny Chesney bankrolled a prostitution ring of immigrant 7-year-olds, with co-founder Payton Manning...they originally wanted the name "The Boys and Girls Club," but that was already taken...so they settled for "Hop on Pop" (yeah…let’s get that rumor started)

Mike Gundy, what do you think of Charlie Weis??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgexABogDsY&feature=related

well put…

Now, on to another coach whose seat is a little toasty…Rich Rodriguez and Michigan

Rodriguez has been accused, by his own players, that they are practicing well over the limit allotted by the NCAA. Rodriguez vehemently denies these allegations, but…I don’t know, something seems a little fishy

So, Rodriguez says he is staying well within the NCAA rules…let’s see what Mike Gundy thinks…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVSbbEIbWsg&NR=1

Here’s how I see it…I don’t care if they were practicing 30 hours per week, they went 3-9 last year! They’re obviously not gaining an advantage from it…I say their punishment should be that they have to practice MORE….who knows, maybe they could win FOUR games this year

Speaking of terrible football teams….UVA

UVA decided they were allergic to winning this past weekend when they took one on the nose from…wait for it………William and Mary! (I know, right?)

I honestly can’t make fun of you and make you feel worse than you already do (read as: than you already SHOULD) so I’m going to take the high road and just let you lick your wounds…

No, I can’t do that, this is too good to pass up

UVA just dropped on the football school in the state of Virginia rankings, which now reads:

1. VT
2. Richmond
3. William and Mary
4. JMU
5. ODU
6. Radford’s JV
7. Virginia School of the Deaf and Blind
8. A soggy loaf of bread
9. Clay Aiken
10. UVA

And Al Groh… “I got a feeling”…you’re going to be homeless

Vol. 2

I’m back with my second article. I decided, with this weekend being week 1 in college football, I would do my own season preview “show.” I’ll cover which games to watch, what to watch in those games and some predictions

First, some games to watch and what to watch for:

Oregon @ Boise State – Boise State is 19-0 at home under their current coach, Chris Petersen. This looks like a solid game between two successful programs

What to watch for: The combination of Oregon’s hideous jerseys and Boise State’s God-forsaken blue field, will cause enough strain to break every HD television set in America.

My prediction: Boise State 24, Oregon 38


Western Kentucky @ Tennessee – Lane Kiffin’s first game as the Volunqueers’ head coach. Western Kentucky just moved up to D 1-A (or FBS as 1-AA likes to call it) last year, so their program isn’t on the level of Tennessee…yet. Ya know, that elite level of missing bowls and firing coaches who had been there 17 years.

What to watch for: The stadium to blow up…please?...God, are you listening?

My prediction: Western Kentucky’s players are slow and unathletic, and will be outmatched in most of their games this year…with that said…Western Kentucky 148, Tennessee -7


Georgia @ Oklahoma State – This will be a great game to watch! I can’t wait to see how Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno have progressed in the offseason. Wait….they’re both gone?? This game is gonna blow…

What to watch for: Clearly nothing... But there is always a small glimmer of hope we can re-witness one of these moments...

Prediction: Oklahoma State 23, Georgia...FORTY!



Finally, the big game of the day…Virginia Tech v.s. Alabama!!

I won’t dive into an analysis of the game or a prediction just yet (maybe before Saturday) but I will leave you will some information about the game…

Virginia Tech will be wearing Maroon jerseys (white pants) and Alabama is breaking out their John McCain all whites

Also, it is confirmed that the Georgia Dome WILL play Enter Sandman when Virginia Tech enters the stadium….if you’re not a Hokie fan, and haven’t witnessed what Enter Sandman does to Hokie fans, it’s one of a kind as you can see HERE….and the video doesn’t do it justice

On a related note, Alabama will also get their new intro song when they come onto the field shortly after the Hokies…HERE is a video of their new entrance song



That’s all I got for today…hope you liked it

Vol. 1

Since everyone else’s leading story is Brett Favre, I’ll start with him. Really Brett?? In apparent attempt to one-up Michael Jordan, Brett Favre has decided to break his retirement not once, but TWICE. I’m guessing he will come back “wearin the 4-5” this time too. It’s gotten to the point where there has to be no one on the planet dumb enough to believe that when he retires at the end of this year (he will), it will be for good. I think we might live to see the first NFL quarterback who gets paid through his NFL employer AND draws a social security check. One thing is for certain though, he’ll cry at the press conference…Brett showing how I know he's gay

I’ll give Brett this, he told the truth in the first of the Brett Favre trilogy of retirements…he said “I’ve given all I can and I HAVE NOTHING LEFT”….prophetic…

This is also good news for Wrangler Jeans, who doesn’t have to can the 1985 commercial of Favre playin some touch football in his backyard…because that obviously truly happened, and Wrangler got to film it.

(Side note: Favre was actually picked off by a 45 year-old chiropractor in the making of the commercial, but Nike confiscated the film.)

SOBERING FACT OF THE DAY: Brett “fo-five” Favre, 40, is actually 7 years older than Denver Broncos Head Coach, Josh McDaniels.

MADE-UP FACT OF THE DAY: Brett Favre is still a good quarterback.


Now on to another come-back story…Michael Vick. PETA is apparently living up to their word and protesting outside of the Philadelphia Eagles practice facility. Michael has spent the last few months out of jail going to different schools to discourage kids from making the same mistakes he made over 2 years ago. So that begs me to ask, “What is PETA’s end-game with their protests?” Are you trying to get people to boycott Eagles’ home games this season? In a city that has one of the Top 5 most loyal fan bases in the nation, that clearly can’t be the case. So, is it you feel Vick hasn’t paid his debt to society for what he did? The man went to prison for 2 years for a crime that usually only merits a ~3 month sentence, so that can’t be it. Let’s just remember this, while you are attacking a problem that has already been dealt with, Michael Vick is out trying to keep other problems from ever happening. He is doing your job better than you are.

(Side note: Is there a group called PETP (People for the Ethical Treament of People)? And will they picket outside of any team that ever signs Donte Stallworth?)


Short story…An Alabama linebacker was caught trying to do his best Chris Brown impression. Couple things worth noting after reading the story: Is there anyone you’ve seen happier to get arrested than his girlfriend? And what do you wanna bet that he still plays in the season-opener versus Virginia Tech? He’ll get a noogie from Coach Saban and have to wash Julio Jones’ new Caddi before his up-coming fishing expedition.


College Football Live today picked Notre Dame to go 9-3 this year, AT WORST. Sounds an awful lot like each year the past 15 years, when they are picked to do something and then they sock the media right in the kisser and slowly dive further into irrelevance...Genius



Memphis has to vacate their 38-2 season from two years ago, in which they lost in the Final Four. The NCAA is giving the statement that it will be like that year “never happened” for Memphis. The only Problem? It actually did happen…and those who are at the heart of the scandal John Calipari, Derrick Rose and William “Worldwide Wes” Wesley (Google him), are not affected in the least. Calipari is off in Lexington making it rain (thanks to Wesley) and Derrick Rose cannot be touched by the NCAA. Smooth move NCAA, way to stick it to The Man (two years after The Man left the building).

Finally, Rick Pitino is one happy man. Thanks to Calipari, not many in Kentucky are focused on his awful, horrid transgression. No, I’m not talking about cheating on your wife of 33 years (which btw, is how long Favre has been in the NFL). I’m talking about the fact that you cheated on her with THIS CREATURE . **EDIT: Due to some confusion, "she" is the one on the left...I know, I know, doesn't make sense"** You’re making millions of dollars on a campus FILLED with nice-looking co-eds. And you choose one that looks like she could land a role as a Predator in the next Alien vs. Predator movie. And in the dining area of a Louisville restaurant nonetheless…stay classy, Rick.


That's all for today. Maybe someone will do something stupid next week too.