Vol. 10

Back again, I took a long break for Christmas, New Years and Jan. 15^th day. But I’m back with a pretty lengthy entry.

I'm abandoning the music for this entry. I'm way too tired (lazy) to look up a good one...

so here goes..

Jayson Williams is in the news again. Not the white one, or the one who went to Duke (anyone else surprised those two aren’t describing the same person?) but the one who screws up regularly. This time Jayson, decided he would pull a Stallworth and try to drive his car home after putting back a few lot of drinks. He would have made it home in one piece, but he caught a glimpse of a tree that owed him some money, so he tried to run over said tree with his truck.

Williams then concocted an ingenious plan to jump over to the passenger side of the car when the cops arrived so that it would appear his car was driven by the demon from Paranormal Activity. Unfortunately for Williams, the cops had an IQ above 70, so his master plan was busted.

Here’s what I don’t get…Jayson Williams actually has a good amount of money from his days with the Nets, so why not hire a driver??

Oh wait…

He already SHOT HIS DRIVER IN THE CHEST!

From shot-gunning beers to shot-gunning chauffeurs, Jayson Williams is keeping it classy…

I will admit, whenever I get a chance to make fun of the University of Tennessee, I will ALWAYS just on the chance. But during the time off from the blog, the UT program just made it way too easy. Sometimes I wish they actually made it a challenge to make fun of them, but then I realize it’s way too much fun this way.

So to start off, 4 UT athletes were arrested on gun charges over the break. No, I’m not drumming up an old story, this time it was the basketball team, but fortunately this time the cops pulled them over before they reached the nearest gas station.

USC head coach Pete Carroll decided to leave USC amid allegations that the program paid Reggie Bush while he was a student-athlete at the school. This move sent shockwaves through the coaching community as the Trojans then moved to hire Steve Sarkisian ... Mike Riley ... Jack Del Rio ... Lane Kiffin as their head coach.

You can imagine my delight, as the coach who was tabbed as the guy to bring UT back to the limelight, bolted for greener pastures. In the week following Kiffin’s departure, UT held a coaching search of their own and ultimately decided on Will Muschamp ... Kyle Whittingham ... Troy Calhoun ... David Cutcliffe ... anyone other than Derek Dooley ... Derek Dooley.

While UT was taking a chance with someone who was an unproven NFL coach when they hired Kiffin, they claimed that the situation with Dooley is entirely different. This time they’re taking a chance on an unproven COLLEGE coach…

see? TOTALLY different.

Gilbert Arenas is having his own gun problems. Arenas made a bet with former Georgia Tech PG, Jarvaris Crittenton, in which Arenas lost the bet and refused to pay up. Instead, Arenas decided to leave a gun in Crittenton’s locker (challenging him to a duel, I guess?).

I’d like to think that Crittenton bet Arenas that he couldn’t go a whole year without being injured or suspended and immediately proclaimed he won the bet. Confused, Arenas decided not to pay up and then threatened Crittenton with the gun in the locker, which ultimately got Arenas suspended.

clever, Jarvaris…clever…

I would LOVE to have a couple entries in this blog that doesn’t discuss Tim Tebow, but unfortunately, this needs to be discussed.

Tebow and the ultra conservative retarded group, Focus on the Family, have put together a Super Bowl ad in which Tebow’s mother (Mary?) talks about the months leading up to Tim’s birth and the choices she made. The reason for the controversy in the ad is that Tebow’s mother had complications and the doctors advised her to abort the child. Instead Mrs. Tebow made the choice of keeping the baby, who turned out to be a Heisman winning penis-trimmer. It’s a big success for pro-life supporters as Mrs. Tebow’s choice to keep baby Tim, turned out to be great for college football. Which, admittedly is the only question worth thinking about when concerned with the choice of whether or not to abort.

So think about it future mothers! If you choose to abort your “baby,” how will he become a college football star?!?......HUH? How will he?

I must admit, having Tim Tebow’s mother talk about her choice not to abort is an excellent choice for Focus on the Family to get their point across.

Better than say….Sean Glennon’s mother

Brett Favre lost this weekend. Now, ESPN can begin to play all the highlights from Favre’s 6-decade career, only to be jilted when Favre decides to play again next season. I’m sick of Brett Favre so I’m going to post EXACTLY what’s going to happen in this saga during the off-season.

Favre goes home to Hattiesburg to play football in his jeans on the farm and contemplate retirement

Favre says that the toll the past season had on his body is too much to overcome and decides to retire…He will cry at the press conference

Brett Favre someone will leak that Favre is reportedly having a change of heart and may come back…but only if he can play for the Packers

Brett Favre will deny the “rumors” and will have “no idea” where they came from

Favre will not show up to any training camp and we can officially call him retired

After 2 pre-season games Favre decides to un-retire and play in the final pre-season game of the year

Favre will deny rumors that he only retires to get out of attending training camp

No one will believe him

In the “I didn’t see that one coming” story of the millennium, Mark McGwire admitted to taking steroids.

WHAT?!? No way! McGwire??

What’s next? Michael Jackson molested little kids? OJ really killed his wife? Lady GaGa is bat-sh*t crazy?

It’s good to know people are still coming up with refreshing, totally non-racist ideas out there. This one comes from a former wrestler who wants to start an all white basketball league.

That’s right, he actually WANTS to watch white people play basketball…if you want to see that kind of athleticism on the floor then just turn on the WNBA.

For anyone who believes this league really has a chance…boy, do I have a backwards robe for you!

Joe Paterno died over the break, from a complication associated with exploding bowel syndrome…for those wondering, it was 14 Courics

if you have an idea for how Joe Paterno should die (seek counseling?) email me at drewscott22@gmail.com

That’s all for this week…

Vol. 9

From now on, I'm gonna start the blog with a song that you might not have heard of that you might like to download...or songs that I like that you'll just have to get used to

first up...

Lil Wayne!




November 27, 2009…the day millions of Americans out-drove Tiger Woods.

For those of you who have been living under a rock, yet somehow have a computer to access my blog, Tiger Woods was found in his car after he wrecked it into a fire hydrant and a tree. First of all, this just furthers the stereotype that half-Asians can’t drive. Secondly, Tiger has always been more comfortable on the greens.

The ironic part about this whole situation is that the public would never have known about his indiscretions if he only had the ability to drive. It’s a gift and a curse.

About his alleged indiscretions, I can totally see why it happened…I mean have you seen the cow he is married to???




SICK!!!! Find a treadmill, piggy, GEEZ!!!!!

Sorry if that picture made you lose your lunch….

I am also getting word that Tiger was contractually obligated to scream out the slogans of the companies that sponsor(ed) him during sexual intercourse…

“JUST DO IT!”
“Is it in you?!?”

What he failed to realize was that being married to Elin Nordegren is probably “The Best A Man Can Get”

Sadly, someone at a retirement home nearby had let Joe Paterno escape at 2 a.m. and he was wandering aimlessly through the streets in Tiger’s neighborhood. Paterno was crushed by the oncoming car and killed instantly. R.I.P. Joe


In women’s tennis news, former #1 ranked Amelie Mauresmo has retired from professional tennis. Amelie’s retirement marks the first time a man has retired from women’s tennis since Martin Navratilova in 1994.




Ron Artest is back in the news. But this time it’s surprisingly not because he punched a fan. Artest admitted a couple weeks ago that he would occasionally buy alcohol before a game and drink it during halftime. This would explain his erratic behavior late in games during that year.

Walking up to refs sobbing, telling them he loves them…

Drunk texting ex-girlfriends while on the bench…

Singing loudly and off key to every song being pumped through the stadium’s sound system…

One team whose entire roster is drunk every time they take the floor is the New Jersey Nets. After only winning one game in the team’s first 20 contests, the NBA has decided to move the franchise down to the NBDL.

The Nets were 0-18 before winning their first game over the Charlotte Bobcats last week.

News of the win reached all parts of the nation, including Detroit, where the 2008 Detroit Lions and GM Hal McRae released a statement...




Allen Iverson pulled a Brett Favre and retired from retirement, with less than a week separating the two events. Meanwhile, the Memphis Grizzlies still insist that they have 6 players who are better than Allen Iverson.

Turning away from sports for just a little bit…I want to talk some about the latest teenage girl craze to hit the nation…Twilight. Spending a paragraph or two on this topic already makes this article at least 3.7 times gayer than usual, but it’s a risk I must take. Twilight, while highly homo-erotic, is a wildly successful movie. For the readers who are straight, Twilight is a movie made by a woman who never really watched scary movies growing up and had never watched a vampire movie. So it only makes sense that THE ONLY STORY SHE’S EVER WRITTEN, is about a bunch of good-looking teenage vampires who can go out during the day and want to fall in love more than suck blood.

So this got me thinking…I should write my own movie about a fictional creature. I think I’ll choose ghosts (I almost chose a rational Republican). Not scary ghosts like you see in the movies. No, my ghosts will be very attractive college students, who aren’t even transparent. They have skin and walk around like any other living human. And just because I can, my ghosts aren’t even dead.

Speaking of scary fictional creatures, Santa Clause is coming…

This time of year children everywhere are excited to know that on December 25th, an overweight elderly man will break into your home and leave “presents” under a tree, that is inexplicably brought inside to celebrate this time.

Side Note: Who was the first person to start this “tree” tradition??



Father: Honey, we really should do more to commemorate this special holiday…

Mother: How about we re-create the manger scene and put our presents in front of a new-born baby Jesus?

Father: WHAT!?!?! That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say…I want a divorce!

Mother: OK, OK, how about we cut down a tree from outside, bring it inside and spend 3 hours putting pointless ornaments on it. We could also run electricity through it to make it light up and become a fire hazard…?

Father: BRILLIANT!


Annnnnd…scene!

For me, this time was really scary. I’m not cool with strangers in my home while I’m sleeping and how does he know exactly what I want, and if I’ve been bad or good? That’s something only a stalker or my parents would know…so I’ve come to a revelation........Santa Claus is stalking our children!

If you don’t believe me just read this letter to his estranged first wife, Karen Claus.


Dear Karen,

You really better watch out. You better not cry or pout, and I’ll tell you why…I’m coming to town!!! I’ve made a list and checked it twice. I also found out who in your family has been naughty and nice. You know what Karen, you’re on that list! And you’ll find out soon enough just which list you’re on.

I see you when you sleep, and I know when you’re awake. Therefore, I know if you’ve been bad or good, so for your sake you better hope you’ve been the latter. Yeah so stop your crying, and no more pouting…cause Big Daddy Santa is comin’ to town!

Sincerely,

Santa

P.S. stop leaving Macadamia Nut, no one eats that crap…


Finally, I have to take a shot at UT…and this week, staying with the Christmas theme, they gift-wrapped one for me…

Tennessee is being investigated by the NCAA for having attractive-ish host girls go to the games of high school recruits and make signs telling them to come to UT, which is illegal. I know Lane Kiffin and his 13 recruiting violations (in less than a full year) is a stickler for the rules, so this may all be hearsay. But doing a little investigating I found a picture of the group that is the focus of the investigation.




Now here’s my question…which one is supposed to be the pretty one??!?


I can see why they only won 7 games this year…

Side Note: The guy on the top left was Jonathon Crompton’s host…just sayin…he committed pretty quickly…

One of the most damning pieces of evidence is this photo of two members of the “Orange Pride” who drove all the way to South Carolina to watch a high school football game, and recruit the players to come to UT





What’s disturbing is that there seems to be evidence that the Orange Pride might be the masterminds behind other Tennessee scandals as well…






I’ll leave you with some videos of the week…these are some new and improved ShamWow and Snuggie commercials, as well as some others…

Snuggie 1

Snuggie 2

Snuggie 3

ShamWow!

MacBook Air

iPhone 3GS

Vol. 8

White people trying to be black, black people trying to be white.

Men dressing up as women, women dressing up as men.


Women trying to play basketball…

All that and more in this week’s article for my blog.

First, we’ll start with a picture that has enraged African-Americans everywhere. Apparently a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader decided that for Halloween she would like to dress up as Lil Wayne.



No biggie…I’ve seen that done, and quite frankly, I’ve seen it done better. But she went to the extreme of actually painting her entire body (I checked) black. This was seen as pretty offensive to a lot of people, but I wanted to take a look at the whole situation and see just how offensive/tame it really is.

First, my original thought is that the guy in the background of the picture is extra-white enough to offset the darkness she displays with her painted skin.

Secondly…it’s HALLOWEEN! A holiday whose sole purpose is to dress up as something you are not (unless you’re a whore, because plenty of whores dress as such on Halloween), and I think a white cheerleader dressed as a black rapper would pretty much nail that criteria.

Thirdly, I saw a number of attractively below average (ugly) girls dress as Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders this year, yet it failed to make the news. I’m actually more upset about that than a white girl dressed as a black man.

I can see where it might be offensive though. Someone of a certain race painting themselves and acting out the stereotypes of the race they are portraying…I get it, that’s pretty offensive.

But let’s look at both sides of this race coin. Sure, white people have done this before…



But I don’t remember any backlash from these two





Don’t get me wrong, I’m not outraged by black people dressing up as white people; I think all parties involved look equally stupid. Besides, there are some people who have dressed up as the opposite race for their ENTIRE LIVES





C’mon guys, that’s just racist…



In preparation for the college basketball season getting ready to start, I told my DVR to record all basketball events. Unfortunately, my DVR accidentally recorded a women’s “basketball” game between Tennessee and Baylor.

I would normally delete such recordings in the amount of time it takes Glenn Beck to blame Obama, but something caught my eye. Baylor has a freshman, named Brittney Griner, who is 6’8 and has a 7’4 wingspan. What’s even more (less) impressive is that she can dunk (barely), so I decided to watch and see if she would do anything of significance.

Her stat line read:

3 of 8 shooting
4 rebounds
4 blocks
4 fouls
0 dunks
40 minutes of my life wasted
1 big disappointment

A big girl who can (possibly?) dunk in a game, will inevitably bring about the question…

“Could she play with guys?”

And the answer is yes!

She could certainly play with guys in a game of basketball, just not on the NBA/D1/D2/D3/NAIA/NCCAA/JuCo/Club/High School Varsity/pick-up games at the YMCA…levels.

She’s perfect for a high school boys JV team in Alaska though, she could add 3 or 4 points per game when her team is up by 50…it’s a giant leap for the women’s game.

Actually…I take that back…she could definitely play for the Nets

(Editor’s note: quick apology to both my female readers…why so serious?)

I will say this for Brittney though, she is the first athlete to have a movie about her life come out before she even started college.



Forget the South African runner, someone needs to check this wo(man) for jewels.



In the latest case of someone impersonating Chris Brown, Raiders head coach, Tom Cable is having charges brought against him for assaulting a woman. Cable decided to one-up his teenage nemesis though. Cable not only assaulted a girlfriend, but also two wives!

You may remember this tough guy as the coach who punched his assistant coach in the face earlier in the year. But in his defense, Cable thought the coach was a girl…

The accusations against Tom Cable are pretty interesting, the whole story involves five women:

Marie Lutz
Sandy Cable
Glenda Cable
Carol Cable
Tom Cable

One quick observation here…either Tom Cable is REALLY into “keepin’ it in the family” or you have at least two women who need to let go and change their last name.

Through his attorneys, Cable declined to comment. On Sunday, he released a statement through his agent and attorney Donald Yee, saying "on only one occasion in my life have I ever touched a woman inappropriately."



Really Tom?! With a face like this, and three kids, I would put that number at a MINIMUM of three.

Tip for Tom: stop beating women and start trying to beat any team in the NFL

After jokingly reporting for weeks that Penn State Coach Joe Paterno had died, I regret to inform you that he actually died this week from a heart attack suffered while sitting in a parked car at a Pilot gas station in Knoxville, TN. It is unknown what startled him enough to set off the attack, but black hoodies and a pellet gun are believed to be involved.

In comedy news this week…Notre Dame lost again! The loss to perennial powerhouse UConn puts Notre Lame at 6-5 on the year, and Charlie Weis out of a job. At the beginning of the year, it was said that this was Notre Lame’s weakest schedule in a long time. How this team mustered up the will power to pull out 6 wins against such fierce opponents as Nevada, Washington St and Purdue is beyond me.

Man, at least no one was dumb enough to pick them to play in the national title game…

(smacks forehead)

Saturday’s loss to UConn was simply "enough" for Notre Dame students and fans. It was apparently enough for one student to punch Clausen in the face outside of a bar in South Bend later that night….

(stands up….starts slow clap)

From what I gather the timeline of events goes like this:

7:00 pm – Clausen optimistic in last home game of the year.
8:00 pm – Less optimistic
10:00 pm – Clausen blows it with two INTs late in the game
10:05 pm – Weis searches Craigslist for new home
11:00 pm – Clausen makes terrible decision…goes out after bad loss
2:00 am – Clausen and girlfriend have words with other patrons of the bar
2:02 am – Clausen and girlfriend leave bar
2:03 am – drunken girlfriend leaves purse in the bar (don’t they always?)
2:04 am – Clausen goes back in to retrieve purse
2:06 am – Clausen retrieves purse…skips out the door with bag on shoulder
2:07 am – ND student follows Clausen and punches him outside bar
2:08 am – Clausen passes out on sidewalk
2:09 am – Clausen is single…ex-girlfriend leaves with Luke Harangody

One can only hope that this means there is a serial puncher on the loose in South Bend, and that his next victim will be Charlie Weiss.

Would it be too much to ask for Bill O’Reilly and Kanye West to also make that list of upcoming victims?

In political news, Sarah Palin has written a book, despite having an inability to either write or read. The book is called Going Rogue, and details her life on the campaign trail. I haven’t read the book…I stopped reading children’s books when I was really young…but I would assume that the book goes something like this…

It’s McCain’s fault
It’s Katie Couric’s fault
It’s Bristol Palin’s fault
Obama wants to steal your babies and kill your parents
Did you guys realize he’s black?!?
He was totally born in the country, Africa
Hockey moms
Lipstick
Joe the Plumber
Jack the Ripper
Frosty the Snowman

I have it from a very good source that she also quit halfway through the book and the last 200 pages are blank. She quit, “for the people of Alaska!” And only a true rogue would quit midway through writing a book.

“You know who finishes books?? The LIBERAL ELITISTS…THAT’S WHO!!” said Palin.


I leave you today with an auto-tune video of Kanye West and some cute kids…sadly this video is the best Kanye has sounded his entire career.

One of the best videos of all time...OF ALL TIME

Side note: Isn’t it ironic that Kanye’s best song (Through the Wire) is about his mouth being wired shut?

That’s all for this week!

vol. 7

and Boom goes the dynamite!

I'm back after a couple weeks off. I got my wisdom teeth cut out, so spending time making fun of people wasn't high on my priority list. Plus, watching Virginia Tech flounder is seriously depressing...can I pick a new school to graduate from?

I'll try to make up for my time off with a good amount of material...so I'll get right into it...


Andre Agassi's new book details his use of Crystal Meth while he was playing tennis professionally. There seems to be some disagreement, however, on the timeline of his use of the drug. But judging from his haircut and what he's wearing, I'm gonna guess it would be around this time period

Michael Jordan's son, Marcus, is involved in an on-going battle with Adidas and is dragging his school, Univ. of Central Florida, along with him. UCF is in the last year of a 5-year contract with Adidas, which states that all UCF athletes must wear Adidas apparel to all sporting events. Marcus, being the diva his last name would suggest, has refused to wear Adidas and will only wear his father's "Jordan Brand" shoes. UCF had a scrimmage this week and Marcus wore Jordan's, causing Adidas to drop UCF from its list of schools.

Marcus Jordan may prove to be the most expensive college athlete ever (outside of OJ Mayo) as his decision has cost the school around 5 Million dollars...using his stat line from their scrimmage this week, he is costing UCF...

5 Million Dollars per point



A Crazed Philadelphia Phillies fan wanted some World Series tickets, and being female she did the only reasonable thing she could think of...she sold sexual favors in exchange for tickets. No joke here, just would like to take this time to add that I have VT basketball season tickets for sale...

just sayin...


Speaking of myself, many of you know that I am an aspiring coach, so today I figured I would give you guys an idea of where I go to learn about the game of basketball. Usually I wouldn't reveal my source, but I see this as an opportunity to let this guy help you become a better student of the game, just as he's done for me...

He looks...He shoots...He SCORES!


One person who could learn from Coach Chang is Isaiah Thomas...Thomas has a streak going, his first job was with the Pacers, he ruined that franchise, he then went to the New York Knicks and took the from last place to worst...so it would only make sense that his new job as Head coach of Florida International will not go so well...he proved as much this week by losing to an NAIA school in an exhbition game, which raises a couple questions...

1) Isaiah Thomas is head coach of Florida International...since when did regional airports sponsor universities?

2) You couldn't schedule anyone easier? Indiana scheduled Grace University...they're not even affiliated with the NCAA, but rather the NCCAA (Nat'l Christian College Athletics Assoc.)...Grace was within 6 of Indiana at halftime, it was literally the worst basketball game I've ever witnessed.


Sobering news...Joe Paterno died earlier this evening from complications surrounding a century-long battle with dysentery. Paterno contracted dysentery while traveling on the Oregon Trail with his great grandkids.

Editor's Note: I really miss that game, Oregon Trail...though it really was impossible not to die from dysentery.

It may surprise some of you baseball fans that I didn't lead off my article with the World Series...well, I have a good excuse...I didn't watch and didn't care. I accidentally watched more Gossip Girl by surfing channels, than I did of any game of the World Series...it also bugs me that it's called the "World Series", maybe if by "world" they mean "from Miami to Canada"...maybe the MLS should change their championship name to the "World Cup"


The NBA cares...

remember those advertisements? Well, we know for certain that the LA Clippers care, at least. The Clippers saw the terrible economy and decided to give a lucrative contract to a homeless man

The homeless man will play PG and go by the name of "Baron Davis"


Glen "Big Baby" Davis has stated that he plans to play in the NFL in the future. The Boston Celtics forward is 6'9 290lbs, but I don't like the NFL chances of anyone whose nickname is "big baby". Furthermore, Big Fat Lardo Lazy Baby is currently out for six weeks with a broken thumb...if you're going to play in the NFL and miss six weeks, at least shoot yourself in the leg.

Don't worry though Celtics fans, Fat Boi has some unfinished business first...

"When I become an All-Star in the NBA, then I'll try football" said Davis.

Glen Davis isn't even good enough to be an All-2009 Boston Celtic, so don't sweat him jumping to the NFL anytime soon


Th Western Athletic Conference (WAC) decided to hire a PR firm to help promote Boise State as a legitimate national title contender. The PR firm came up with 3 solutions, much to the surprise of WAC officials.

1) Move to the PAC-10
2) Stop scheduling Pop Warner teams for out-of-conference opponents
3) Have the WAC change their name to the Southeastern Conference


That's all for this week...

NFL: Mocking the Mock Draft

Every year, some clown puts out a list of how he thinks the next NFL Draft will shake out. Many times without even knowing what draft order the teams are in. Others are smarter and wait til a couple days before the draft and amazingly predict (with 10% accuracy) the outcome of the draft.

How ESPN employs someone like Mel Kiper to yell all day (you have a microphone) about who will be picked is beyond me. The better question is: "why does anyone care about any mock draft?" Chances are every single team will wind up with someone completely different.

With that said, here is my official 2010 NFL Mock Mock Draft:

1. St. Louis Rams – Urban Meyer, coach, Univ. of Florida
The Rams have A LOT of needs, but none more pressing than anyone who knows what they’re doing. They will be disappointed when they learn that despite his apparent love affair with Tim Tebow, they are not actually attached at the hip. Plus, Rush Limbaugh will only allow the Rams to draft someone white.



2. Kansas City Chiefs – Clay Aiken, Tight End
The Chiefs have a pressing need along the offensive line, and NO ONE will be more willing to put his hands on defensive linemen than Clay Aiken.



3. Washington Redskins – Alex Ovechkin, Captain
The Redskins are in disarray. They have one of the biggest salaries in football but are not producing on the field. They feel Ovechkin can provide some leadership to a team that is sorely lacking it. They also like the fact that he already knows how to play on a team with sub-par athletes and make them mediocre.

4. Oakland Raiders – Jake Locker, Quarterback, Univ. of Washington
I realize the Raiders drafted JaMarcus Russell a couple years ago, but they REALLY believe they can win if only they had a big QB with a strong arm and athleticism.

5. Detroit Lions – Arrelious Benn, Wide Receiver, Univ. of Illinois
I just get this feeling that what the Lions lack is a game-breaking WR. They should’ve thought of that in their previous drafts!

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tim Tebow, virgin, Univ. of Florida
The Tampa Bay Bucs saw that the Jaguars really want Tebow, and think he would generate ticket sales. They will decide to undercut the Jaguars in hopes of becoming the only NFL team in Florida.



This just in…ESPN announces multi-million dollar deal with Tampa to televise all their future games in exchange for exclusive footage of their shower room after practices.

7. Cleveland Browns – LeBron James, “Small” Forward, Cleveland Cavs
In another attempt to keep LeBron in Cleveland, the Browns will draft him and trade his rights to the Cavs in the event he decides to leave.

8. Seattle Seahawks – who cares?, question, English language
I sure don’t.

9. Cincinnati Bengals – LeGarrette Blount, Heavyweight Champ, Univ. of Oregon
In keeping with tradition, the Bengals need to draft someone with a criminal record. Also, Bengal fans will think twice about booing if they’re afraid he might come into the crowd.

Momma said knock you out!

10. Buffalo Bills – Terrance Cody, Left and Right Guard, Univ. of Alabama
It’s REALLY cold in Buffalo! Anyone with as much body fat as Cody will have no problem whatsoever. He’ll play sleeveless and need to be hooked up to IV’s at halftime for heat exhaustion.



11. Jacksonville Jaguars – Tim Tebow
Yes, I realize the Bucs already picked Tebow, but the Jaguars made their minds up months ago and didn’t scout anyone else.

This just in…ESPN is really confused…

12. San Diego Chargers – LaDanian Tomlinson, RB, San Diego Chargers
The Chargers are hoping that drafting him again will make him younger.

13. Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre, retired, AARP
BABY COME BACK!

14. Philadelphia Eagles – Donte Stallworth, drunk driver, AA meetings
The Eagles had marginal success with athletes who have been suspended for murdering people/animals.



15. San Francisco 49ers – Marty McFly, time-traveler
The hope here is that McFly brings his DeLorean with him so the 49ers can travel back to the time they were relevant. (Which just so happens to be around the time this movie was made.)



16. Miami Dolphins – Cody Paul, 9-yr old Pop Warner star
This kid will be CRAZY SICK in the Wildcat formation.

CP5

17. Houston Texans – trade pick to Cleveland – LeBron James
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE STAY!

18. Arizona Cardinals – Sam Bradford, Quarterback, Oklahoma
The Cardinals simply cannot decide which QB to play, Matt Leinart or Kurt Warner, so they do the logical thing…they decide neither and go with Bradford.

19. New York Jets – Kobe Bryant, Shooting Guard, Los Angeles Lakers
The Jets had great success with Braylon Edwards, so they’ve decided to load up with athletes who have feuds with LeBron James.

20. Minnesota Vikings – Johnny Unitas, QB, Baltimore Colts
The Vikings had success with wheelchair QB Favre, so they plan to go with a younger kid from Baltimore when Favre inevitably retires (then un-retires….then retires).



21. Dallas Cowboys – Plaxico Burress, gun-slinger, Rikers Island Prison
The Cowboys figure if they’re going to shoot themselves in the foot every year, they better learn from someone with experience in the field.



22. Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning’s sperm cells, ball boy, Indianapolis
The Colts put it in Peyton’s contract that they own his first-born. Now they are drafting the rest of his potential offspring.



23. Tennessee Titans – Jahvid Best, RB, California
Jeff Fisher doesn’t need another RB, but he specifically told his staff to “draft the Best player on the board.” They took it literally and came out with Jahvid Best.

24. Baltimore Ravens – Ndakumong Suh, DT, Nebraska
The Ravens are puzzled he fell this far. He hits like a tons of bricks, and runs like a ton of bricks too.

25. Atlanta Falcons – Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
Just in case Matt Ryan decides to fight dogs…

26. Golden State Warriors – Stephen Curry, SG, Davidson
The Warriors wanted to jump in this draft and steal Stephen Curry from New York just in case they wanted him here too.

27. New York Giants – Nate Robinson, PG, New York Knicks
Their first two options (LeBron and Stephen) are already off the board, and the Knicks dumped their whole roster to sign LeBron, the released players have to land somewhere. And there’s nothing more ironic than Nate Robinson playing for a team named the “Giants.”



28. New Orleans Saints – Katrina, Hurricane, Gulf of Mexico
Katrina worked out at the combine and blew everyone away! The Saints know all too well just how hard this prospect hits, though Katrina hasn’t had very much production against inland teams.



29. Denver Broncos - Adam “Pacman” Jones, Rain Maker, Dirrrrty South
The Broncos need someone with enough legal problems to take the focus off of Brandon Marshall.

30. Chicago Bears – Darryl Magee, ball boy, Chicago Bears
This ball boy is pretty dang fast! He is carrying three balls in his highlight film, imagine how fast he’ll be without that extra weight!

Ruuuuuuuun Forest!

31. Carolina Panthers – trade pick to Cleveland – LeBron James' Nike puppet
“We’ll give you the key to the city! We’ll change our name to the Jamesland Fightin’ Bron Brons! What can we do to keep you here?!?”



32. New England Patriots – Sean Glennon, QB impersonator
The Patriots feel as though they could draft literally anyone and have success with them. They’ll have their hands full here…



33. Pittsburgh Steelers – Johnnie Cochran, lawyer, television
The Steelers don’t need much help on the field, but Big Ben could use a good lawyer right about now…

Vol. 6

Hello all,

I’m back for my 6th installment of my 8,742 part series on Today in Sports. While the past couple weeks have been pretty slow when it comes to athletes (and celebrities in general) doing stupid things, this week more than made up for it. So I have a lot to cover and may save some for next week’s article.

I’ll begin with some props to my boy, Brett Favre. I know I rode him pretty hard in my first article, but he deserves some credit. He set a record this past week by becoming the first NFL quarterback to beat all 32 NFL teams in his career by beating the Packers last week (and by beating the Jets on multiple occasions last season). However, I was surprised to find out that this feat was not actually his ultimate goal.

Let me explain…like most athletes, Favre wants to be considered the best that his/her sport has ever seen. So Favre looked at other athletes in all sports to figure out how they became known as the greatest of all time.

He looked at Michael Jordan, whose jersey is retired by 3 teams, the Bulls, the Wizards and…wait for it….the Heat?!? (Yes, the Miami Heat actually retired his jersey…as well as Dan Marino, who is the greatest quarterback to ever play for the Heat). Favre also looked at Wayne Gretzky, whose number 99 is retired by all NHL teams. Favre decided that he needed to have the same done for his number 4. So Brett, in his infinite wisdom, decided the easiest way to get this accomplished is to play for and retire from all 32 NFL teams.

So Brett Favre’s plan all along has been to not only beat all 32 NFL teams, but retire from them as well. If all goes according to his plan, Brett will have his jersey retired by all 32 NFL teams…and the Miami Heat.

Sticking with the NFL, the Detroit Lions set the world’s worst record last year by going 0-16 in the regular season. They decided in the offseason that they needed a change. What was that change? To trade for better players? New management? No…Absolutely not! The Lions decided what would really help them on the field was to change their logo to a more “fierce-looking” Lion . This change seems to have helped though; they’ve already won 2 games this year.

The St. Louis Rams finished 2nd last year in the NFL in terms of sucking. They saw what the Lions did this offseason to get things going and decided to make a logo change of their own. Their new logo will take effect immediately.

Speaking of teams destined for the first pick in the Draft, the Oakland Raiders have also made a bizarre move. Thursday, the Raiders decided to move JaMarcus Russell down to the minors. Now all you smart sports fans out there should realize there is no actual minor league for NFL teams, but the Raiders explained in a statement Friday…

“Thursday we called JaMarcus into our office and explained we were sending him to the minors. He immediately left the office and we have not heard from him since. He is wandering aimlessly through downtown Oakland as we speak. No one knows exactly where he is. But he isn’t here, and that’s the important thing.”

I haven’t followed baseball much since I was young, but I’ve always had respect for what those athletes are able to do with a ball flying at them at 90mph…until I heard about Miguel Cabrera. Miguel Cabrera was arrested this week for a physical altercation with his wife, Rihanna Cabrera. Miguel blew a 0.26 BAL, and was apparently partying with an opposing team the night before the big tie-breaker game against the Twins. He got out of jail at 6am, and still played that day, hungover…Now, how hard can baseball actually be if you can stay out all night, get hammered, beat your wife, go to jail, then come out the next day and go 2-for-4 with a home run and a double?? Furthering my point, David Wells pitched a perfect game (one of the hardest feats in baseball) hungover, in 1998.. Maybe Barry Bonds should ditch the roids and pick up the bottle…

Jumping to the NBA, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant as a sports city, Cleveland, and the Cleveland Cavaliers are going to spend the entire year trying to convince LeBron James that Cleveland is where he needs to stay. Whether that means trading away anyone who fights LeBron’s friends or insults him (this includes ordinary citizens…insurance salesman, Dave Carter was traded to Seattle, Washington for a proctologist and an intern to be named later…you know what you did, Dave) or changing their color scheme to a cooler look for LeBron, they will do anything.

But in a strange move the Cavaliers are actually changing the spelling of their basketball team. The pronounciation will remain the same as “Cah-vuh-LEERS” but it will be spelled K-N-I-C-K-S, with all 6 letters silent. They even developed uniforms with a color scheme eerily similar to a certain team from New York.

http://pdashmedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/LeKnick.jpg

Look on the bright side Cleveland…if LeBron leaves you can remain in the spotlight by battling Washington D.C. as the worst sports city in the world…it’ll be a hot debate, though the Washington Fightin’ Ovechkins are a good hockey team. However, hockey isn’t a sport, so the playing field will be level.

BREAKING NEWS:

Brett Favre has just retired from the Houston Texans…

Turning my attention to another event, NASCAR (I know, I know…my article is called “Today in Sports” and NASCAR clearly isn’t a sport) had a pretty big wreck over the weekend. Many were hurt as debris from the wreckage spilled over into the crowd. Fan reactions were mixed…

“It was fuggin AWESOME!!” said Cletus Imarapist of Deliverance, West Virginia. “It was great! My wifesister was on my shoulders flashing Jeff Gordon when the wreck happened…she caught a muffler that had shot into the crowd, but a carburetor hit her in the mouth and knocked out all of her tooth.”

I don’t think that there is a more stereotyped fan base than NASCAR fans (maybe UT or WVU). I’m fairly certain you must be any combination of white, Republican, racist and drunk to be a true fan. Which means this guy is an excellent candidate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcULyAOkfts

I’m saddened to report that Joe Paterno has died this week. Paterno battled for a long time against a disease similar to Lou Gehrig’s disease…Lou Holtz’s disease. Some symptoms include an inability to say any word with an “S” in it, and an inability to recognize when a sports network is using your lack of intelligence as the butt of many jokes.

Sad indeed…Joe Pa is survived by his two sons, Cain Paterno and Abel Paterno, as well as nephew John McCain-Paterno.

Some more semi-sad news: University of Tennessee PF, Emmanuel Negedu, collapsed last month with a heart problem and will not be medically cleared to play this year. The news of his heart condition isn’t the sad part…the sad part is I won’t get to make fun of him in future articles by referring to him as Emmanuel Ne-gay-dude…

In closing, I would like to shout out to the Virginia Tech football team for winning this weekend over a Pop Warner team cleverly disguised as the Boston College Eagles.

I’ll leave you with the fail of the week, which (not surprisingly) comes from Fox“News” and Glenn Beck…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MI_0Kt_e3Go

Yes Glenn, Obama, whose mother is white, has a deep-seeded hatred for white people…

"I'm not saying he doesn't like white people...I'm saying he hates them"

Until next time,

Donzel

Vol. 5

Hello all,

After taking a week off for, among other things, a lack of events/people to make fun of, I’m back with my fifth note in this series.

This weekend I made my way to Blacksburg to watch the VT-Miami game. Most of you reading know that VT won, 31-7. But what made that win even more fulfilling was that no one at ESPN gave VT a chance of winning. Miami was “back” baby! They got their swagger back and they were gonna roll through Blacksburg easily (something they have only done once since the 90’s). But the Miami Tropical Depressions aren’t back, and their swagger looked more like a stagger on Saturday.

With the win, Virginia Tech moved up to the #6 spot in the rankings. This is something that is very exciting for Hokie fans everywhere, because we are now in position to play for the National Championship. BUT, if you’re a Hokie fan at all you’ll readily admit that VT has shown a tendency to choke worse than the Chicago Cubs late in the season, so I’ll put my hopes and dreams on the backburner. So I’m very excited that VT is ranked so high, but really scared that the offensive kryptonite, Bryan Stinespring, will find some way to make sure we’re not playing in Pasadena.

VT’s move from #11 to #6 was helped by the fact that 4 teams ahead of VT lost. And it’s very easy to kick someone when they’re down so I’ll start there…

#4 Ole Miss lost on Thursday night to South Carolina. Who didn’t expect that?!? Who (besides EsecPN) actually thought Mississippi was the fourth best team in the nation???

Quick, name 3 players on Mississippi’s roster…don’t worry, I’ll wait…


If you named someone other than quarterback Jevan Snead, you might want to take up writing an article of your own…I’d read it.

#5 Penn State lost to Iowa…adding insult to injury, Joe Paterno, long-time Penn State coach, died earlier this week, he was 97, my condolences…

Switching gears for a bit from college football to baseball, the Anaheim Angels clinched a berth in the playoffs this week. Now admittedly, I know/care as much about baseball as I do feminine hygiene products. But, the fact that they won isn’t what made their mention in this article warranted, but rather their celebration.

At the beginning of the season, rookie pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed in an automobile accident after pitching a game for the Angels (ironic nickname anyone?). The man driving the car that killed Adenhart blew over the legal limit of alcohol in California. So keep in mind that Nick Adenhart was killed by a drunk driver.

Now flash forward to this week, and the Angels have kept Adenhart’s jersey all year for inspiration (which is cool) and when they won this week they decided the most appropriate celebration would be…I kid you not…to pour beer all over his jersey

Stay classy Anaheim…

I reported in my last article that NCAA President, Myles Brand had died…this week the NCAA and Indiana University (the school where worked prior to the NCAA) have planned a tribute and celebration of his life. If baseball shows us anything about the human cognition, the NCAA will pour cancer cells all over President Brand’s suit and tie at the service. (too soon?)

Turning back to football, Florida’s second-coming found out just how worldly he is this weekend. Tim Tebow suffered a concussion late in the Gator’s game with Kentucky. There’s no need to make fun of a concussion, so I’ll stick to the most damning fact about Tim Tebow…he came out of the closet this week.

Don’t believe me?? Well, let’s start with this…it’s a picture of Tebow’s girlfriend. That wouldn’t be evidence enough to convict, but couple that with his press conference stating that he is a virgin, and there ya go!

There’s not a single straight man in the entire world who wouldn’t try to take a run at her, and if Tim Tebow is saying he’s a virgin, he is either lying about how much of a good guy he is or he’s gay…take your pick ladies…

I know of at least one person who is devastated about Tebow’s injury…

This Guy

Enough of Tebow, you can watch it all on the Tebow network (same station as ESPN)…check your local listings

Apparently the Kansas Jayhawks have their own little civil war going on…

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=4505703

There is a battle between the football and basketball teams that has apparently been going on for years. It has been reported that they are fighting over many things, but one of them is which program is more dominant. I don’t know about you guys, but there’s one team that comes to mind when I think of dominance over the last decade and that’s Kansas Jayhawk football…

It seems like that portion of the argument would be settled pretty quickly.

I wondered just how far back this argument went, so I did some excellent digging and came up with VIDEO of the original fight that set everything off!

WARNING: the video is a little graphic, as punches are thrown…so watch at your own risk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qe5kaiTS0g


After the fight, they settled their differences over a shake at the Max with school President Belding, but it doesn’t seem as though the fight has ever truly ended.

They better get their act together, they travel to Valley this weekend…

In the college basketball world, Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl looked like an idiot this week when giving a talk to boosters. Pearl, in his failed attempt at humor, talked about the diversity of his team saying that he recruits guys who are from “the hood” as well as guys who come from areas where people wear “the hood.” If you’re having trouble following the terrible joke, “wearing the hood” is referring to the KKK.

I don’t know what’s more disturbing, a white guy talking about “the hood” or a Jewish guy talking about the KKK…

It is Yom Kippur, maybe he just wanted something to atone for…

Also in college basketball, Grambling Head Coach, Rick Duckett, was fired this week. He was fired by a letter (that’s cold) from school officials. Add that to the fact that one of his players died after a workout with the team, and he gets the Worst Week Award. However, he speculated that the reason he was fired was because of the player’s death.

You know, if a school fires a coach because of the death of a player at a workout that the coach did not even attend, then that’s insanely unprofessional.

Oh wait, he was 6-24 last year in the nation’s worst conference??

Yeah…ummmm… Rick? Maybe you should try a new profession…

New Mexico St. football coach, Mike Locksley, punched one of his assistants in the mouth (he is the second football coach to do so this month)…but those close to the situation are sticking up for Locksley saying he is a “stand-up guy”…which must be true because his only other infraction in his first year as a head coach is that he sexually harassed his secretary…sounds like a winner

What’s with all the fighting this week? Even the fans are getting into it…with the COPS!! (thanks to Sean Ryan for the heads up on that video)


That’s all for this week!

Thanks to those who saw me in Blacksburg this weekend and commented about my previous articles, I like to hear that people are actually reading them. Also thanks for the comments on the articles themselves, and don’t be afraid to disagree with me on something I write about. If you're not being tagged in the note and would like to, just comment or leave me a message.

I’ll leave you with one last video…the fail of the week

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePNWCniwgfo

Sincerely,

Donzel